Sunday, April 17, 2011

Daily Story 36 - Water Bottle Joe

Water Bottle Joe was not actually a water bottle, nor was his name anywhere near Joe. His real name was Schmoogalof and he was the son of the late beautiful Indian Princess Lady Prettyful Rivertree-Horsehoovesgallopfastontheprairie (see story #6), but when he earned the name Water Bottle Joe, he was no longer living with the Tragic Indians of the hidden Tragic Valley of Tragicville, Tragifornia, and had instead decided to tragically wander the streets of Melbourne, Australia in an attempt to trigger a vision of the future that would allow him to come to terms with his tragic past. He soon came across a strange man with black eyebrows, a black mustache, and anger lines so deep that they almost seemed to have been etched onto his skin with a permanent marker. This strange man was known as Angry McFryerpants, and he could put all sorts of things down his pants and... okay, that's probably not something anyone wants to think about. Moving on...

Schmoogalof had been lost for several hours when he stumbled upon this intriguing figure, and he felt that it would do him good to ask Angry McFryerpants for help with his quest, or at the very least directions to the nearest hotel. So, Schmoogalof approached the man and asked, "Excuse me, kind sir, might you be so generous as to aid me in my most difficult quest?"

"Dude, why the fuck do you sound like a b-movie's idea of a 19th century nobleman?" Angry asked.

"Whatever do you mean? I am simply speaking English the way my mother, Princess Prettyful Rivertree-Horsehoovesgallopfastontheprairie, saw fit to teach me," Schmoogalof said with a frown. "Doth my multifarious lexicon offend thee, dear sir?"

Angry frowned. "Okay, you're insane, aren't you?"

"What might thou intend upon thy utterance of the appellation 'insane,' my dear collaborator?" Schmoogalof asked, not understanding what this man was trying to tell him.

"Okay, yeah, you're insane," Angry said, then paused to think of a way to get rid of this weirdo as quickly as possible. "So what did you need?" he soon asked, hoping it was something simple like directions so that he could point him off somewhere and have some peace and quiet.

"I am seeking a vision," Schmoogalof said. "I wish to see the future, but I know not how I might accomplish this enterprise. Have you ventured often into the realm of visioning?"

"I, uh... yeah, totally! Do you want a few tips?" Angry asked.

"That would be magnificent, my good bloke," Schmoogalof replied with a nod of his head.

"Right, well, the thing is, you can't just wander about until the vision suddenly hits you. It doesn't work that way. You have to... find the nearest Hungry Jack's, buy a bottle of water, drink it, go to a different Hungry Jack's, and use the toilet there. I guarantee it'll give you a vision."

"I comprehend. I shall heed your specifications posthaste. My deepest of gratitudes, kind sir. Farewell to thee," Schmoogalof said, then left Angry McFryerpants to seek out his vision. Angry watched him saunter off and shook his head.

"Fucking psycho."

It should be obvious to the reader how Schmoogalof became known as Water Bottle Joe after this.

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