Sunday, April 24, 2011

Daily Story 96 - How ProductCorp Has Changed My Life

Hello, readers. Today, I would like to talk about something serious. Something important. Something that has changed my life for the better and could very well do the same for you. No, actually, it will do the same for you. Don't believe me? Well, sheeple, you'll soon find that there is no reason not to believe me. Why, you ask? Because I say so, and what I say comes straight from the wonderful promise of ProductCorp, which is without a doubt the greatest promise in the universe.

You see, I am not an ordinary person. As you all may know by now, my life has been heavily (and often negatively) impacted by both Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) and Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD). What this means, in simple terms, is that I have a hard time focusing on anything and I worry about almost everything under the sun. In fact, just the other day I looked at my doorknob and wondered if it was secretly trying to kill me, and now I look at it every few seconds just to make sure it hasn't fallen off the door and made its way over to my desk with a machete.

Of course, I have the ability to tell myself that the doorknob is an inanimate object and therefore unlikely to be plotting my demise (especially since I am kind to it and take care to make sure it is functioning properly), but this is only one example of my irrational fears. You see, I worry about everything, so when there is nothing important to worry about, I either have to focus my worry on something strange and absurd (such as an evil doorknob) or live with a vague sense of unease that haunts me throughout my day and makes me feel like something terrible is going to happen even though everything appears to be going quite well in my life.

In fact, it is the mere fact that things are going well that makes me worry. You see, if I don't worry about something I might begin to wonder if I forgot about something that deserves my full worrying attention and then I worry that I'm forgetting something hugely important and it feels like things are going to go horribly wrong and it'll be all my fault because I wasn't worried enough about something and I dropped my guard, thus allowing something terrible to happen to me and I end up staying up all night wielding a lamp as a makeshift weapon because I really don't want to be murdered by a doorknob. Or anyone else, for that matter. In short, I need something to worry about all the time so I don't worry about not worrying about anything, which is very worrisome.

Now, I know you might be asking, "What does your constant worrying have to do with ProductCorp?" Well, that is an excellent question, and the answer is simple.

We are being lied to. The enigmatic geniuses at ProductCorp have shown us that there is, in fact, something to worry about. Thanks to the wonders of ProductCorp, I now know about the faceless conspiracy that is responsible for all the bad things in the world. In fact, my ceaseless worrying might well be the result of being unknowingly manipulated by this faceless conspiracy for my entire life - in other words, this faceless conspiracy is the root of all my psychological distress!

Thanks to ProductCorp, I now know the root of all my psychological problems, and I was glad to give them real cash in exchange for a promise - the best promise in the world, to be precise. It's not just a promise, though. What I got from ProductCorp was far more than that. ProductCorp gave me the tools to cope with my crippling anxiety. They gave me the truth. The truth of a faceless conspiracy that is now the target of all my worries, leaving me free to enjoy my life when it's good because I don't have to live with that vague sense of unease. It is now a very focused sense of unease that comes from knowing that we are all doomed to suffer at the hands of this faceless conspiracy unless we fight back, and ProductCorp has promised a solution. All we have to do is give them real cash - a small price to pay for such an incredible, wonderful promise.

So go to them, readers. Let ProductCorp promise you a cure, because you need it. We all need it.

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