Daily Story 131 - Language

I've always wondered if the things I'm saying really mean what I think they mean. Or if gestures really suggest what I think they suggest. Or if emotions are really expressed like I think they're expressed. After all, I can only see things through my eyes, so who's to say I'm accurate in my assumptions of the actions of others?

Take smiling, for example. I smile when I'm happy or amused, or when I want someone to think I'm happy or amused. I do that because that's what a smile means. But what if I'm wrong? What if a smile is actually code for 'I hate you all, you bastards' and I'm offending everyone around me every time I do it? Sure, they might seem happy in return, but that's only because I think a smile means happy. They could be raging and I'm just interpreting their smile as happy because that's what it means to me.

Or even language, too. I think 'yes' is a positive affirmation and 'no' is a negative, denial-type word. But what if 'yes' means 'no' and 'no' means 'yes' and I've been going around doing all the things I'm not supposed to and everyone's pissed off at me but I don't know it because their methods of expressing emotion are the complete opposite of what I'm interpreting them to be?

It worries me sometimes that this could be the case, but then again, I'm pretty sure it isn't. Still, even if it is, it's not like it affects me because, after all, how am I supposed to tell the difference?

The best part is, if my theory is true, none of you reading this have any idea what I'm really talking about. For all I know, I could have just rambled for three paragraphs about how much I love fish (I hate fish as a food source, and am neutral to mildly positive on fish as wild animals or pets, though I was once obsessed with Finding Nemo and even dressed up as Nemo for Halloween as a Freshman in high school which was kind of weird but at least I was being creative). Or better yet, all you could be seeing is ;ohgtw tq3ktn.cvx ;l gb;joclk3,tegr sbdfxijl ,t egrdfv ;l.q3t aegrdzov ;xcjlk.ta ergzdo;vxihkn.te gsrdknt sgrdzlfh gdzfloj. And that last sentence is the only one that made any sense to you, even though to me it looks like I was just banging on my keyboard. Which is what I did but maybe that's how you people communicate. Hell if I know.

Oh, and I didn't mean 'banging' like the slang term for sexin' even though nobody probably took it that way but I thought about it so I decided to clarify because now you're going to have that mental image stuck in your head. At least, you will if this theory of mine is wrong, which I'm pretty sure it is but I have no way of finding out since if it is true, nothing I say is actually saying what I think it's saying and I have no way of finding out what everyone else is actually saying or thinking or feeling so I might as well keep on living life the way I know how to live it. If I'm right in all this and everything I do is actually offensive and horrible to you, then I apologize, but you probably just read that as 'go fuck yourself' so whatever.

Daily Story 96 - How ProductCorp Has Changed My Life

Hello, readers. Today, I would like to talk about something serious. Something important. Something that has changed my life for the better and could very well do the same for you. No, actually, it will do the same for you. Don't believe me? Well, sheeple, you'll soon find that there is no reason not to believe me. Why, you ask? Because I say so, and what I say comes straight from the wonderful promise of ProductCorp, which is without a doubt the greatest promise in the universe.

You see, I am not an ordinary person. As you all may know by now, my life has been heavily (and often negatively) impacted by both Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) and Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD). What this means, in simple terms, is that I have a hard time focusing on anything and I worry about almost everything under the sun. In fact, just the other day I looked at my doorknob and wondered if it was secretly trying to kill me, and now I look at it every few seconds just to make sure it hasn't fallen off the door and made its way over to my desk with a machete.

Of course, I have the ability to tell myself that the doorknob is an inanimate object and therefore unlikely to be plotting my demise (especially since I am kind to it and take care to make sure it is functioning properly), but this is only one example of my irrational fears. You see, I worry about everything, so when there is nothing important to worry about, I either have to focus my worry on something strange and absurd (such as an evil doorknob) or live with a vague sense of unease that haunts me throughout my day and makes me feel like something terrible is going to happen even though everything appears to be going quite well in my life.

In fact, it is the mere fact that things are going well that makes me worry. You see, if I don't worry about something I might begin to wonder if I forgot about something that deserves my full worrying attention and then I worry that I'm forgetting something hugely important and it feels like things are going to go horribly wrong and it'll be all my fault because I wasn't worried enough about something and I dropped my guard, thus allowing something terrible to happen to me and I end up staying up all night wielding a lamp as a makeshift weapon because I really don't want to be murdered by a doorknob. Or anyone else, for that matter. In short, I need something to worry about all the time so I don't worry about not worrying about anything, which is very worrisome.

Now, I know you might be asking, "What does your constant worrying have to do with ProductCorp?" Well, that is an excellent question, and the answer is simple.

We are being lied to. The enigmatic geniuses at ProductCorp have shown us that there is, in fact, something to worry about. Thanks to the wonders of ProductCorp, I now know about the faceless conspiracy that is responsible for all the bad things in the world. In fact, my ceaseless worrying might well be the result of being unknowingly manipulated by this faceless conspiracy for my entire life - in other words, this faceless conspiracy is the root of all my psychological distress!

Thanks to ProductCorp, I now know the root of all my psychological problems, and I was glad to give them real cash in exchange for a promise - the best promise in the world, to be precise. It's not just a promise, though. What I got from ProductCorp was far more than that. ProductCorp gave me the tools to cope with my crippling anxiety. They gave me the truth. The truth of a faceless conspiracy that is now the target of all my worries, leaving me free to enjoy my life when it's good because I don't have to live with that vague sense of unease. It is now a very focused sense of unease that comes from knowing that we are all doomed to suffer at the hands of this faceless conspiracy unless we fight back, and ProductCorp has promised a solution. All we have to do is give them real cash - a small price to pay for such an incredible, wonderful promise.

So go to them, readers. Let ProductCorp promise you a cure, because you need it. We all need it.