Wednesday, December 21, 2011

I Have a Talent For Hurting Myself

I'm totally doing this at the last minute so it's going to be kind of sucky until morning. I'll edit it and make it better tomorrow. Hopefully.

So last Thursday I went snowboarding. Now it hurts to take deep breaths and laugh.

Good thing I decided to watch funny shopping prank videos well after the Tylenol had worn off.

Then when I was about to go to bed last night, I walked back to my room and my foot decided it needed to remind me how much it hated me. So I spent half the night in pain and didn't get any painkillers because I didn't want to wake up my brother who's sleeping in the living room for the next couple weeks.

This seems to be a trend in my family. I've also managed to burn my arm hair while lighting an advent wreath. My sister can fall over just by standing in place. We're talented like that.

Uh. Yeah. That's about it.

Saturday, December 17, 2011

New Update, uh, Dates!

Okay, so I totally forgot to put up a new entry on Thursday. I blame that on snowboarding.

Anyway, I've decided that I'm going to shoot for twice a week with new entries. Nowadays you can expect something to go up on Wednesdays and Saturdays, unless I forget in which case it might be a day or two late. This counts for today's entry unless I manage to think of something else to write about so yeah.

So, let's talk about life for a while, shall we? One of these days you can expect to hear about my adventures with a 5,000 piece puzzle that's taken over the dining room table (Juno did work on it some, but she claimed it wasn't "engaging" enough for her so she quit. Lazy dog...) and also about how I'm organizing my room with the help of giant plastic tubs, and maybe some other stuff about family and friends and Juno (there will always be something about Juno) so look forward to that. All three of my siblings will be home for Christmas so there are bound to be some hilarious hijinks afoot. My parents just left for Denver today to pick up my oldest sister and brother, so Juno and I are alone in the gallery until tomorrow sometime.

Uh, yeah, I think that's it. Sorry for the delay, but this ought to make up for it:


You're welcome.

Friday, December 9, 2011

Juno the Genius

I almost got this one done on time but then I forgot to do it and I didn't want to stay up until 4am just because my internet likes to be slower than a decapitated monkey trying to learn how to spell. And decapitated monkeys are really damn slow when it comes to learning how to spell, because they're usually dead and I don't think monkeys are that good at spelling anyway. But I digress. The important thing here is that I like fast internet.

Every now and then I wonder if I may be just a little bit too obsessed with my dog, but then I remember that my dog is awesome. She is absolutely adorable, she's sweet and good-tempered, she's patient, and most importantly, she's a genius. Just look at how focused she is on this 5,000-piece puzzle:



See? She absolutely exudes brilliance. So anyway, because my dog's intelligence is unbelievably high, I've decided to demonstrate it to you with the most incredible show of deductive reasoning you will ever see*. Watch and be amazed:





*in this week's blog

Thursday, December 1, 2011

MY DOG IS BEAUTIFUL ISN'T SHE

So the other day I was hanging up Christmas lights on the gallery, which I would post pictures of but I don't really have any good ones so you'll just have to wait until I manage to get outside with my camera at night when you can actually see the lights and stuff, when Juno decided to come outside and hang out. Since I had my camera with me and I'm slightly obsessed with how adorable she is, I decided to take some pictures. Here she is in the alley that runs right in front of the building:




...Yeah, she likes to lie in the snow. She's kind of weird like that, but I guess she has enough fur that it doesn't matter all that much if she's lying in frozen water. What interests me, though, is what happened when I decided to take a close-up picture:




If it weren't for the bushes in the background here it would be almost impossible to tell that she's just lying in snow.




This has something to do with the way my camera adjusts to lighting and such. If there's a lot of light stuff in the lens, it makes the picture darker so you can see the details on the light stuff, but the dark stuff becomes, well, really dark. If there's a lot of dark stuff in the lens, it makes the picture lighter so you can see the dark stuff, but the light stuff becomes light. There's probably a fancy-sounding technical explanation for this somewhere, but the point is my dog is dark and snow is light, and the dog was the focus in these pictures so the camera made everything light.

Naturally, I came to the conclusion that I had to do something with these epic pictures. After all, it's like a natural green screen, except after a few minutes in photoshop I realized I didn't have the patience to do the green screen effect all that well, but WHATEVER here's my dog with a purple background:




But why stop it there? After all, I can put her anywhere now! Like in a jungle:



Or on the moon:





Even in heaven:





I have no idea where she is in this one, my dad just wanted a green background:





My mother suggested a church, so here's Juno in a church:





And finally, here she is in the North Pole. Santa's gone a little crazy, so be careful when you open your presents this year:



PS my dog also likes to be adorable while I'm eating:

Friday, November 25, 2011

Happy Thanksgiving!

Well, it's Thursday (or at least it still is in Hawaii), and I forgot that I needed to put something up here today, so I drawed you all a turkey. With my eyes closed.


That wasn't it. I drew a velociraptor, too. Here's the turkey:


Hope you enjoyed your day, even if you didn't celebrate this mostly-American holiday.

P.S. I guess I haven't actually said it here yet, but my official update day is Thursday. That might change in the future, but that's the plan for now.

Saturday, November 19, 2011

Because My Brother is Awesome

I just turned on my computer and found this waiting for me when it was all booted up:



I believe this was inspired by an older entry in my brother Pete's log that I would have linked to but I didn't find an archive or anything for it and I got bored looking after like five minutes so he'll just have to make it easier to find these things so I can be lazy and still let people see exactly what I'm talking about. Anyway, he posted about a random notice that popped up on his computer screen one day that he'd completely forgotten about, so I decided to do the same. This is what the notice looks like in iCal:



In short, thanks for giving me an entertaining idea, Pete.

P.S.: For anyone wondering about the desktop background, it was made by the ever-hilarious Jeph Jacques.

Thursday, November 17, 2011

I Have Weird Dreams Sometimes

So the other night, just a couple days after Halloween, I had this dream. It was about a haunted house, and I recall wandering around in it and stuff, and I probably should have written this down way earlier because I forgot most of the details but I still remember the most important part, which was the scariest (to me, anyway) part of the whole setup.

There were these glowing red balls, see, and they floated around the place making this creepy noise and following anyone that came within their line of sight. I'm not sure what qualifies as line of sight for a floating red ball thingy, but I have some theories, which I will share later on. Well, I just have one theory, but it's a pretty good one.

Anyway, the noise they made was like something you'd hear in a horror movie. Or at least, what I imagine you'd hear in a horror movie, seeing as I avoid those things like the plague because I have no ability to cope with scary things whatsoever. Seriously, I had troubles sleeping after watching a Hey Arnold! Halloween special when I was in middle school, and I watched it in broad fucking daylight. Anyway, I think it was a mix between some creepy horror movie-type music combined with a low, droning noise like some kind of machine humming or something, but I can't remember very well. This is frustrating, because it's hard to tell an interesting story when you can't remember half the details and every other line is me going 'I think there was a giant purple elephant somewhere, but I don't remember very well' though admittedly there are no giant purple elephants in this dream. I don't think there have been any giant purple elephants in any of my dreams, actually. Maybe that'll change tonight, though.

So this floaty red ball thing was making this noise and following me around, and somehow this is supposed to be creepy, yes? Well, it may not sound creepy yet, but I haven't even gotten to what this thing did when it caught up to you. Just knowing what it did scared the crap out of me, because these things pretty much ended you. If one caught up to you, you were gone. End of story.

So anyway, I'm wandering around through this haunted house, which was strangely light and more like an office or school or hospital building or some weird kind of combination with a bunch of rooms and parallel hallways crossing at right angles and stuff like a hashtag, except it was more like a square of nine hashtags or something. Here's a helpful visual:

###
###
###

...Except imagine that the vertical lines are actually going at right angles and meeting up with each other like the horizontal ones. And that there's no space in between any of that.

Now, the floaty red ball thing wasn't alone. It had friends, and those friends were all doing the same thing: following people that were in the haunted house and doing their scary floaty red ball thing. So I go into the haunted house with my parents (not sure why they were there, but oh well) and one starts coming after me. I run to try and avoid it, then come across another one that's on the floor. It's not red or glowy, though. It's just a little metal machine thing on the floor. Once it senses my presence, it activates and begins to float, but I grab it and deactivate it before it can do anything.

Yeah. Apparently the little glowing red floaty ball things are machines. Go figure.

It's around this point that I realize that what the red floaty things actually do is transport people back to the beginning of the haunted house. Which, now that I think about it, is exactly what the creepy hand things (wallmaster or whatever) in Zelda games do. Only those things still scare the hell out of me, and when I realized that the glowy red ball things weren't doing anything as horrible as I thought they were, I was a little confused as to why they were horrible things that needed to be avoided at all costs or else your life would turn into a living nightmare or something. They were still scary to me, though, so I snuck up on a second one and grabbed it before it could really do anything, then took both of them into a storage room that had some of my stuffed animals in it for some reason. I stuck the glowy things under a blanket where they wouldn't be able to see anybody (yeah, pretty pathetic scary things if they can be outwitted by a blanket) and grabbed as many of my stuffed animals as I could without getting too close to the things. Then I left the room and went to find my dad, who was in some random room with a projector and there was some video playing for some reason. At that point I was kind of confused as to what there was to do in the haunted house because it wasn't really all that scary. And then I woke up.

I guess I probably shouldn't get a job designing haunted houses. Not even my subconscious can make them scary. Which is weird, because I'm used to having really freaky shit happen in my dreams.

Then, either last night or the night before, I had another weird dream. I have braces, see, and an expander which is still doing its expander work, so the braces are just kind of there for me to get used to them until my upper jaw's wide enough to start doing all the straightening work. Which means there are no wires on my braces and the brackets are kind of just sitting on my teeth for show. And to get caught on the inside of my cheeks, which is both painful and annoying because it's hard to undo without sticking a finger in my mouth.

The thing with braces is that you have to be careful about what foods you eat. Hard or sticky foods can potentially make a bracket fall off, and I've had a few incidents where I bite into food and get a massive jolt of pain going through my molars, followed by a horrible panicky feeling before I feel the braces on those teeth with my tongue and make sure they're all still in place. Therefore, it's only natural that I would have a dream about losing a bracket.

The first time I had that dream was before the weird, failtastic haunted house dream, and it was kind of like those dreams where you feel one of your teeth coming loose or one falls out or something. If you don't know what I'm talking about, then consider yourself lucky. Those dreams are fucking freaky, and having the same kind of dream about your braces is incredibly unsettling.

The second time, the one that happened last night or the night before, was strange in its own right, though. The dream started out the same way the other one did - I noticed suddenly that the brackets on my front teeth were missing, and I freaked out because I didn't want my orthodontist to get mad at me for not being careful even though I've been ridiculously careful and obsessive about brushing my teeth ever since I got this stuff in my mouth, but then I remembered something. I remembered that I'd dreamt about losing brackets a few nights earlier. And I realized that I was probably dreaming and that my brackets would all still be in place once I woke up. So I tried to wake myself up.

Granted, I didn't manage to wake myself up, and I don't remember the rest of the dream after that so I can't really say whether things turned out all right in dream land after that epiphany, but it's still weird. This is the second time in my life where I've actually realized I was dreaming before I woke up, and now that I think about it, both times are when I was dreaming about something relatively realistic. The first was about dropping a book in the bathtub, and then there's the brackets dream. That dream where I rode a weird escalator with geometrically shaped neon lights on the sides and ended up in a giant arena fighting a giant orange that turned into a robot while the arena floor caught on fire and I somehow gained the ability to jump like twenty feet in the air and just sat on the arena wall or something until I woke up? Didn't realize I was dreaming. The dream where there's this guy who wants to get this kid who ends up hiding in dorms and then going for a big final attack and Cyclops from X-Men kills Jack Harkness and it's like a weird video game with Hoothoot from Pokémon and the main character is a squirrel or something? Yeah, didn't realize that one was a dream, either. But the two realistic dreams that occur right around the time when I have a legitimate reason to worry about doing what happens in them? THESE ARE OBVIOUSLY DREAMS, DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.

I really need to start writing a dream diary.

Friday, November 11, 2011

The Daily Story Challenge

Update: as of November 8th, 2011, the daily story challenge is OVER! 365 stories in 365 days, pretty good considering I'm bad at consistency. Anyway, this is over now so this is just a regular ol' blog now. Latest entry is just below this one.

It started as a challenge to write a single, coherent story with a decent plot and length of at least half a page every day for an entire year. It then changed to writing a single, coherent story with a decent plot every day for an entire year. Then it changed to writing something that was pretty close to being a story every day for an entire year. Now it's pretty much 'write something that resembles a story and average one per day for an entire year,' and so far I have been successful. I like to post things in order so I'll be re-posting all the older stories from my livejournal in numerical order before I get going with the newer ones, but if you want to read these older stories, you can. They're here and I'll continue posting them on my livejournal until I get bored or I complete the year-long journey of story postage.


I caught up with the older stories, so I am now updating daily (or close to daily) and things are good and stuff.  Not updating my livejournal anymore, though.  Too much effort.

Thursday, November 10, 2011

Dishwashers are Evil

So one thing that's really fun about anxiety is what happens when you hear about something unpleasant. Take, for example, the day when I learned that slitting one's wrists can end in death. Now, I'm not really sure what a normal person would do with this knowledge, other than acknowledge that people sometimes commit suicide using this method and avoid stabbing themselves in the wrist with a very sharp knife (I'm pretty sure they'd avoid letting other people do this to them, too, although most types of stabbing are generally the kind that you'd want to avoid due to stabbing being painful and potentially fatal and all), but it's doubtful that most people would think about this tidbit of knowledge in situations where this knowledge isn't immediately applicable (i.e., situations where nobody is trying to kill themselves or someone else via wrist slitting).

When you have massive anxiety, on the other hand, learning about one of the ways a person can die is like learning there's a mentally unbalanced serial killer living in your neighborhood. Sure, maybe the killer only goes after a certain kind of person and you don't fit the criteria, but that doesn't mean you won't be as careful as possible to avoid any sort of encounter with this person. After all, it's generally not fun to have a run-in with a serial killer. And even when that serial killer's been captured by the police and sent to jail, there's still that feeling of unease and paranoia that keeps you on your toes. That's the feeling that stays with me years after I've learned about one of the ways people can die.

It's hard not to think about all the ways you can die when you've got anxiety. I mean, it's like you've got all this energy in your system that can only be used for worrying, so you might as well use it on something, right? Personally, I prefer worrying about things that are easy to fix than something that's difficult to deal with. It's so much easier to worry that way. And to make yourself feel better by coming up with solutions to all those little problems that don't really matter and wouldn't be problems if you weren't so worried about everything to begin with. This is why I have a love-hate relationship with my dishwasher.

Ever since I graduated college, I've been living with my parents in an apartment above our gallery. It's been remodeled fairly recently, and while we still have an old refrigerator and oven/stove combo with only one reliable burner, we were able to replace our laundry machines and dishwasher, which for the longest time was only useful as a very large, out-of-the-way dish rack. Granted, having such a large space right next to the sink for dishes to dry is wonderfully convenient, but having a working machine that washes those dishes for you is even better. Thus, when we remodeled the place, we decided to keep the fridge and the oven/stove for the moment and replace the appliances that desperately needed replacing. Of course, the stove falls under that category too nowadays, but it didn't at the time and we can still use the oven and that one burner so we're keeping it for the moment. Anyway, I think I'm supposed to be writing about the dishwasher right now, so we'll go back to that.

Our new dishwasher is wonderful. It works and it's quiet and it's clean and shiny and it's quiet and it does its job well and it's friggin' quiet. My mother was so thrilled to have a quiet dishwasher that she would turn it on before company came over and tell them that the dishwasher was running so that she could hear them be all amazed because it was so quiet. Of course, I can hear it running from my room right now, but that's because the door's open and the rest of the house is quiet and I just heard my mom loading it so I'm really focused on the noise because I'm thinking about it and it's all your fault that I'm listening to my dishwasher because if I didn't want to tell you about it, I wouldn't be listening really carefully for the noise and I guess there's actually someone outside using a power drill or a saw or something that makes a loud "EEEEEEEEEEEEE" sound which is actually louder than the dishwasher even though whoever's doing it is outside. That's how quiet our dishwasher is.

So you can see why I have a love-hate relationship with our dishwasher. Or, at least you can see why I don't just flat-out hate it. And to be honest, there's not really a good reason for me to hate it. At least, nothing involving the dishwasher itself. The only real problem it has is that it's not bolted in or whatever so if you open the door and pull the racks out there's a good chance the dishwasher will lurch forward because of the weight on the door and be all leaning and the racks will slide even further out because the door's lying at an angle and it's kind of freaky to have a dishwasher rack slide out when it's full of dishes that would probably break if they were hit with enough force, which probably wouldn't happen just from the racks sliding out further than they're meant to, but it's always good to be careful when things like this happen. Still, it isn't really a huge concern as long as you remember to keep an eye on things and unload the top rack before pulling out the bottom rack.

The real reason I hate my dishwasher is because I'm the one who has to unload it. I know this doesn't really have much to do with the quality of my dishwasher, unless there's a dishwasher out there that automatically puts the dishes away for you when they're clean, but that'd be ridiculously expensive and probably not the most reliable system unless it was a robot doing it and it was made really well and could be programmed to recognize every single dish you own and put it where it belongs - unless it didn't get cleaned completely, in which case it would simply put the dish in a specially designated place for someone to clean it, or maybe even clean it for you, if it was waterproof and stuff. But since that doesn't exist around here (it could easily exist somewhere in Japan or Bill Gates's house or somewhere else where technology is awesome and there's a bunch of geniuses with nothing better to do than make robots that can unload dishwashers for you (I don't actually know if Bill Gates has a bunch of geniuses with nothing better to do living in his house, but if I were that rich and successful, I wouldn't see any reason not to have 'em)), and since I like to be a contributing member to my household, it has fallen upon me to unload the dishwasher whenever necessary.

Now, I don't really have a huge problem with unloading the dishwasher. It's a simple enough task - everything goes in a certain place, and I generally don't have to touch anything gross while doing it - so I mostly dislike it because it has to be done once or twice a day, and I just don't roll like that. Still, it's relatively painless, and it's only because of my anxiety that I occasionally feel horribly uncomfortable while doing it.

As I was saying earlier, I have a tendency to think about all the ways I could die when there's really not a reason to be thinking about it. The dishwasher manages to bring out this tendency a lot because of what it frequently contains when I go to unload it: sharp, pointy knives. Sharp, pointy knives are a good way to kill someone. Not that I'm recommending people to use sharp, pointy knives to kill someone because killing people is messy and bad and emotionally scarring and most of the time will get you into way more trouble than it's worth, but when it comes to all the different ways you can die, sharp pointy knives tend to be pretty high up on the list in terms of how easy it is to kill someone with them, whether on purpose or by accident. I think it has something to do with the fact that they cut things, and bodies are one of those things that shouldn't really be cut up because they tend to work a lot better when they're all in one piece.

Because I worry so much about all the ways I (or somebody else, for that matter) could die, and because knives are a pretty easy way to make death happen, I sometimes get a little edgy when I have to put the knives away. This is why there's one skill that every person with anxiety needs to learn in order to make their lives happier and easier. You see, if you learn how to ignore the thoughts that go through your head when your anxiety flares up, or at least push them into a corner of your mind where they can be out of the way while you complete whatever task it is that needs to be done, you can get a lot more finished on your own without having to ask someone else to do things for you while you hide in the other room and rock back and forth in the fetal position while you try not to think of all the horrible things that could happen to the person who's doing whatever it is you asked them to do. However, being able to ignore those thoughts doesn't mean you can get them out of your head completely. Thus, whenever I unload the dishwasher, even though it looks like I'm just casually doing a household chore without so much as a single problem, there is a furious race of thoughts going through my head. That race of thoughts usually looks something like this:

Okay, time to open the dishwasher door OH SHIT YOU PULLED THE BOTTOM RACK OUT FIRST NOW EVERYTHING'S GOING TO FALL OUT AND BREAK AND YOU'RE GOING TO DIE BECAUSE YOU FELL ON IT AND GOT STABBED WITH LOTS OF SILVERWARE AND BROKEN PLATES AND STUFF okay maybe not but the dishes could still break and then mom and dad won't be happy and you'll have to get new dishes PUT IT BACK PUT IT BACK PUT IT BACK

Okay, it's back in place, time to put cups away, aw crap they're wet on the bottom dry them off or they'll cover everything in mold and you'll have to drink moldy water ew ew ew ew

Oh crap you left the cupboard door open don't hit your head on it because you've done that before and it is painful oh it's not in a place where you could hit your head on it BE CAREFUL ANYWAY YOU MIGHT HAVE A WEIRD SPASM OR STAND UP WEIRD AND SOMEHOW HIT IT BY ACCIDENT ANYWAY.

Sweet, only have the silverware to put away now... Oh my God you have a knife in your hand be careful you might drop it and stab your foot with it and then it would bleed everywhere and you'd have to go to the hospital because your foot's got a giant hole in it oh phew the knife's put away now. Oh God you have another one in your hand careful careful careful don't stab your arm or something don't touch the sharp part it will make you bleed okay that one's away now.

OH GOD ANOTHER ONE DON'T LET IT NEAR YOUR WRIST THAT WOULD BE PAINFUL AND YOU WOULD BLEED AND YOU'LL HAVE TO GO TO THE HOSPITAL AND THEY MIGHT THINK YOU'RE SUICIDAL EVEN THOUGH IT WAS AN ACCIDENT AND YOU MIGHT END UP IN A MENTAL HOSPITAL WHERE THEY'LL DO HORRIBLE THINGS TO YOUR BRAIN BECAUSE IT'S NOT A GOOD ONE IT'S ONE OF THOSE BAD ONES THAT YOU SEE IN MOVIES AND oh good it's where it belongs now.

AUGH THERE'S ANOTHER ONE WHAT IF YOU GO MOMENTARILY CRAZY AND DECIDE TO STAB SOMEONE WITH IT THEN THEY'LL DIE AND THERE'LL BE BLOOD EVERYWHERE AND YOU'LL HAVE TO GO TO COURT AND THERE'LL BE A FUNERAL AND EVERYONE WILL BE SAD AND EVERYTHING WILL BE RUINED FOREVER WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU MURDER IS BAD DON'T DO IT okay there we go, it's away now.

OH JEEZ ONE MORE WHAT IF IT SLIPS OUT OF YOUR HAND AND FLIES INTO THE CEILING AND GETS STUCK FOR DAYS UNTIL IT FALLS OUT AND LANDS IN SOMEONE'S HEAD AND SPLITS THEIR HEAD OPEN AND THEY DIE? I DON'T CARE IF IT DEFIES THE LAWS OF PHYSICS AS WE KNOW THEM IT COULD STILL HAPPEN! PUT IT AWAY PUT IT AWAY PUT IT AWAY okay good there we go.

And yet, with all these thoughts rushing through my head, I am perfectly capable of unloading the dishwasher in a normal fashion without any outward signs of anxiety. In conclusion, I am the world's greatest actor.

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Daily Story 365 - LAST DAY WHOOOOO

About friggin' time, too. I can only write so much about inanimate objects doing strange things before I get bored.
What I've learned from this experience:
1. I cannot stick to a daily posting schedule.
2. I'd rather just write blogs.
3. Coming up with random titles is an excellent way to get a good story idea going.
4. It's hard to take advantage of a blog when you're using it for a project you're not too fond of to begin with.
5. I don't want to think of anything else I've learned right now.
6. It feels nice to actually accomplish a goal instead of giving up halfway. Even though I didn't anticipate getting behind so often and all that, I still managed to do this for a year, and that's pretty impressive for me.


Anyway, now that I'm done, I've decided to do something more exciting with this blog. I'm going to... write blog posts! About whatever I want! And they'll be awesome! Also they'll probably be more on a weekly or twice-weekly basis, rather than attempting to be daily. I won't decide on a day yet because I know I won't be able to stick to an arbitrary date, but I'm sure there'll be some sort of predictable routine on here from now on. I hope you'll have fun.

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

Monday, November 7, 2011

Daily Story 363 - Too Many Funny Occurrences

It is said that it is possible to die of laughter. This is why it is never wise to go to a comedy show when one has a belly ache.

Daily Story 362 - Funny Occurrence

One morning, a man decided to tell a joke to his wife. She found the joke hilarious and laughed for ten minutes before she could calm down.

Daily Story 361 - Yet Another Strange Occurrence

Two days before Tuesday (though I can't remember which Tuesday it was), there was a giant monster made of gummi bears and toilet paper. The frightened townspeople quickly managed to defeat the giant monster, and they made good use of its remains.

Daily Story 360 - Another Strange Occurrence

One morning, a picture frame decided it wanted to be a contortionist. It quickly gave up on its dream, however, when it tried to bend over backwards and broke the glass on the picture within.

Daily Story 359 - Sleepy Tulips

Most tulips prefer to sleep when they are tired. It makes them ever so much more pleasant when they are awake.

Daily Story 358 - Evil Websites

Once upon a time, a writer decided to challenge herself by writing 365 stories in 365 days. Her attempts to share these stories with the internet were thwarted, however, when the site she wished to post them on decided to take at least half an hour to let her sign in.

Daily Story 357 - Snowy Days

A few weeks ago, it snowed in my little town. A few days ago, it snowed again. Snow is so nice and fluffy. It's pretty, too, which is a good thing, seeing as we'll be staring at it for six months straight now.

Daily Story 356 - Halloween

Candy canes and gumdrops and whiskers on kittens are some of the best things ever, but only gumdrops fit into the whole Halloween theme. Though if one had a bunch of kitten whiskers strewn about the walkway leading to the front porch, it would likely give the trick-or-treaters a scare worth remembering. I would not suggest trying this, however. From what I've heard, kittens are rather attached to their whiskers.

Daily Story 355 - Yellow Slime

One day, a kid went out and bought some yellow slime. Her mother threw it away almost immediately, however, saying, "Slime is gross when it's yellow." The kid didn't really care, as she thought her mother made a valid point.

Daily Story 354 - Slow Days

There was once a time when days spanned 5,000 hours. This is probably still happening on some planets, I'm just not sure which.

Daily Story 353 - Strange Occurrence

One day a toaster woke up and decided it wanted to be a ballerina. Nobody was really sure why, because the toaster had two left feet.

Daily Story 352 - Bouncing Kitties

One day, a mother cat gave birth to five lovely kittens. There was trouble afoot, however, as this mother lived on top of a very tall hill, and one day, when the kittens were learning to walk, one walked off the edge of a small cliff and fell.

Fortunately, the kitten was all right, for it was a very bouncy kitten, and it soon proved to be the same for all the other kittens. Thus, life was good for the kitty family.

Daily Story 351 - Walls

Sometimes, one will get a strange feeling as they walk by a house. This feeling comes from the unnerving sensation that the house is moving, when in fact it is simply standing still, as houses tend to do most of the time. However, if one can spy on a house without it knowing, then they may see the house start to dance. The walls sway in unison and everything is happy. Nothing inside the house falls out of place, as it all joins in on the dance. This only happens when a house is unoccupied, however, as houses do prefer to avoid any unfortunate dancing accidents that might occur to people inside.

Daily Story 350 - Bread

I made bread the other day. It is delicious.

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

Daily Story 349 - Fish

Fish go blub. They also swim.

Daily Story 348 - Tree Ladder Plays House

James's daughter was bored, so she decided to play House. The new ladder James had made joined in once it was finished with its ladder duties, and they had fun.

Daily Story 347 - Tree Ladder

One day, James found himself in need of a second ladder, so he found himself some fallen trees in the forest and used the best wood from each tree to construct a new ladder.

Daily Story 346 - Ladder Tree

Near James's house was a tree that was shaped vaguely like a ladder. Other than that peculiarity, the tree was rather normal, and James's daughter enjoyed climbing it from time to time.

Daily Story 345 - Death of the Bread Ladder

After a couple of weeks of having a living lump of ladder-shaped bread wandering aimlessly around the house, James noticed something. The bread ladder was getting moldy. A week later, the bread ladder smelled so horrible that it decided to go off and die in the forest. James buried it next to its favorite ladder-shaped tree.

Daily Story 344 - Bread Ladder Bread

In the strangest twist, the second ladder-shaped bread that James and his daughter baked after the first such bread was so loved by the ladder seemed to take on a life of its own. It became hungry after a while, and so James and his daughter baked it some bread. The bread ladder seemed to be perfectly fine with this.

Daily Story 343 - Bread Ladder

James's daughter was bored, so James decided to bake some bread with her. They baked it in the shape of a ladder. That night, the ladder that usually ate the bread that James baked was pleased and flattered to see that its bread was in the shape of a ladder.

Daily Story 342 - Ladder Bread

James's ladder was hungry, so James baked it some bread. The ladder enjoyed eating the bread, so James baked it bread every time it was hungry from that day on.

Daily Story 341 - Helping Hands

Someone's hand got chopped off in a bizarre and unfortunate baking accident. The hands took on a life of their own and began doing things all around the town. The people of the town were confused but grateful.

Daily Story 340 - Delicious Bread

I have been recently in the mood to go on a baking spree. I've made brownies and cookies and pie crusts from scratch, and mother dearest was kind enough to buy some yeast so that I can make some bread.

Yay bread.

Daily Story 339 - Pyro Bread

The treacherous bread of the place of legend set the whole place of legend on fire. The mops had to work 24/7 to put out the flames and there were quite a few minor burns that had to be treated afterward.

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Daily Story 338 - Treacherous Bread

During the feast of the victorious sniper mops, one of the orphan children choked on a piece of bread. The orphan recovered after the boring mop forced the bread out of its throat, but the bread ran off into the night and began plotting some evil plan of nefarious deeds. The entire place of legend was filled with a sense of foreboding.

Daily Story 337 - Fancy Feast

The sniper mops were successful in taking out the renegade beads. The buckets and the beads within were all safe and unharmed. Thus, a feast was held in their honor.

Daily Story 336 - Evil Beads

One morning the orphan children went into the room of beads to continue their sorting, but they were shocked to find that a group of beads had taken control of the bead buckets that the children had used to sort the beads, and they were holding the buckets - and the sorted beads within - ransom. The children sought the help of the high fancy mop, the mop that ruled over the place of legend and all the mops within it. The high fancy mop negotiated with the renegade beads and eventually decided to send in a few sniper mops, as the rebellious beads were incapable of settling for less than their demands and it was plain to see that there was no other way to save the hostage buckets and beads than to rid the world of the evil beads.

Daily Story 335 - Happy Orphan Children

The orphan children lived in the place of legend with the boring mop for many days before they began to grow restless. After a while, the older asked one of the fantastic mops whether there was something they could do that wasn't so mop-oriented, and the mop showed them a room full of massive piles of tiny assorted beads that had been left there by an old mop who had been rather obsessed with making beaded jewelry. However, that mop had been destroyed in an unfortunate baking accident, and nobody else in the place of legend knew what to do with them.

The orphan children were ecstatic. They immediately set to work sorting the beads according to color, and they spent many, many happy weeks creating order amidst the chaos of the bead room.

Daily Story 334 - Mops of Fortune

The boring mop was still traveling alone through the desert when it found the lonely orphans. It consoled them and forgave them and helped them bury their dear sibling before accompanying them to a place of legend. Nobody knew what this place of legend held, but it was a place of legend, so they decided to see what was there. Upon arriving, the children were a little disappointed, but the boring mop was thrilled. The place of legend was filled with mops, and all of these mops were amazing and fortunate and wonderful.

Daily Story 333 - The Death of the Loneliest Orphan

One of the lonely orphan children was not up to the task of searching the desert for a mop. It fell over a rock and died, and the other two orphans were sad.

Daily Story 332 - Questing For Sandy Moppy Bits

The three lonely orphan children heard about the mop's misfortunes. They realized they had done wrong in selling the mop without bothering to discover why it felt so compelled to eat things, and they felt that they were the only ones to give it a decent home, so they set out one day to look for it.

Daily Story 331 - Sad Lonely Sand

The sand that had been eaten and thrown up by the boring mop was lonely and sad.

Daily Story 330 - Sand Tastes Terrible

The boring mop was tired of eating sand. Eventually it took a bite of sand and threw up, which as a mop was very alarming and disturbing, not to mention gross and confusing. It decided it would pass on eating sand for a while.

Daily Story 329 - The Boring Mop is Hungry

The boring mop needed something to eat as it wandered the desert all alone. Eventually it fell over into the sand and took a bite. It wasn't exactly a gourmet meal, but it was enough to keep the mop going for a while.

Daily Story 328 - Boring Mop's Revenge

The boring mop found the men who set fire to the building of the man who investigated inanimate objects that did strange things, and the mop took a bite out of each and every one of them. The men had no idea how to react to the strange mop-like bite marks in their arms the next morning, and they would never find out, as the mop set their house on fire and they didn't have enough time to get away from the house before they burned to death.

Daily Story 327 - Boring Mop Escapes

The boring mop was left in the metal room until the man who investigated inanimate objects that did strange things had the time and the means to investigate the mop further. The man put the mop on a table, which the mop promptly took a bite out of, and decided to try and communicate with it. After a few hours, the man realized that the mop did not bite people out of anger or malice, but rather out of self-defense. He decided it would be all right to leave the mop out in the open, as long as it promised not to eat any furniture.

That night, however, some strange men came into the building and set it on fire. The mop tried to wake the man who investigated strange inanimate objects, but the man was unconscious due to a bit too much smoke inhalation. The mop broke out of the building through a window and tried to get help, but it was too late. The man and his building were already burnt beyond recognition. Thus, the mop was left to begin its life all over again, and it wandered into the desert to mourn for a while.

Friday, October 14, 2011

Daily Story 326 - Three Hundred and Two Moppy Bits

The boring mop was tired of counting. It knew beyond a doubt that it had 302 moppy bits at its bottom, and it wanted something better to do. It decided to look for patterns in the metal of the metal room it was contained in. One day it found a butterfly.

Daily Story 325 - The Boring Life of the Boring Mop

The boring mop was stuck in a metal room, and it was bored. It wanted to leave the metal room, but it had been labeled a hazard by the man who investigated strange inanimate objects. The mop wished to tell the man that it was not a hazard, but due to its mop-like features and inanimate tendencies, the mop was unable to speak. The mop simply waited in the metal room for someone to let it out, though it grew rather bored and resorted to counting the fibers in its bottom to pass the time.

Daily Story 324 - The Boring Mop Eats People

There was a man who lived in the city by the desert who spent his time investigating strange inanimate objects. His latest investigation was of a mop that seemed to be rather boring, but had apparently tried to eat a yellow chair belonging to some orphans. The man put the mop under observation for twelve hours, then began to experiment on it. He soon discovered something rather alarming. The mop not only had a taste for yellow chairs, but it also had a taste for human flesh. This would be rather troubling if the mop were to go back to residing in someone's house, and so, the man locked the mop away in a metal room with walls that would be impossible for the mop to bite into or digest.

Daily Story 323 - The Boring Mop ate the Yellow Chair

Three young orphans lived in the desert by an oasis that nobody else really knew about. One night, one of the orphans had a dream. She woke up in a panic and woke her siblings to tell them about her horrible nightmare.

"It's all right," said the older one. "Mops don't eat chairs, sissy. Mops don't eat anything."

"I wouldn't be too sure," said the younger one, pointing to the yellow chair nearby. There was a small bite mark on the side of it, and there was a strange line of wooden splinters and yellow paint chips on the mop handle. It looked like the mop was smiling.

"Do we even need this mop anyway?" the older one asked.

"Just for keeping the window open, and we hardly ever do that anymore anyway," the younger said. And so, the next morning, the three orphans went into the nearest town and sold the mop to some guy who was investigating inanimate objects that did strange things. They never had to worry about their yellow chair again.

Daily Story 322 - Boring Mop in the Desert

The desert mop was about as uninteresting as a piece of glass that served no purpose and just sat around in the middle of nowhere where nobody actually saw it because nobody lived there and very few people actually passed by it. However, someone did pass by the desert mop, and this person definitely noticed it. This person was an orphan who lived near an oasis in the desert, and the orphan brought the mop home to show her orphan siblings. They weren't sure what they could do with a mop, but they kept it around anyway because they were orphans living in the desert and that's what desert orphans do.

Daily Story 321 - Yellow Chair in the Desert

There was a yellow chair in the desert, not far from the small oasis which supplied the nearby family of three orphaned children with food and water of the most wonderful kind. The children didn't know of the chair's existence for the longest time because it blended in so well with the yellowish sand of the desert, but when they found it, they happily took it into their home and used it both as a chair and a table, depending on what the circumstances called for.

There was also a mop but nobody really cared about the mop because there was nothing to use it for other than to prop open the window because they were in the freaking desert. Granted, it served this purpose very well, but the orphan siblings didn't need to hold the window open very often, so it didn't really matter.

Daily Story 320 - Sad Packing Peanut

The packing peanut on the table had once made friends with a dog. The dog hadn't been the best friend to the packing peanut, but nevertheless the packing peanut had loved the times they had spent together. The packing peanut enjoyed sitting on the dog's head while the dog seemed to be oblivious to its very existence, and while the dog sometimes found the packing peanut on its head and always tried to brush the packing peanut away, the packing peanut was happiest when it spent time with the dog.

However, it was not able to spend time with the dog on this particular day. Thus, the packing peanut spent the day moping in silent packing peanut disappointment.

Daily Story 319 - The Sexy Salt Shaker

The sexy salt shaker actually wasn't very sexy at all. It did have a good and fulfilling romantic life, however.

Daily Story 318 - The Phone Book on the Table

There was a phone book on the table, and it like to read itself. If it had been able to pick up a phone or speak into it, it would have called up everyone inside it whose name sounded sexy to it.

Monday, September 26, 2011

Daily Story 317 - The Envelopes in the Glass

Two envelopes sat quietly in a glass container. They were waiting to be opened. Or perhaps to be read and considered, or read a second time and reconsidered. It was difficult to tell. One thing was for certain, however. Both envelopes were very much into kinky sex.

Don't ask me how I know this. I'd rather not have to think about it anymore.

Daily Story 316 - Impatience

There was once an author who decided to write stories every day for a year. However, she began to forget to write stories for a while, and soon she was about two weeks behind. The impatient author wrote several stories at once, asked herself, "Why is this year not over yet?" and debated whether to write enough stories to be completely caught up or to spend her time doing something else. The author eventually decided to catch up and went around looking for inspiration.

Daily Story 315 - Not Trying Too Hard I Guess

BEST BOOK EVAR.

Daily Story 314 - Why Are You Even Trying Anymore?

This author is out of ideas.

Daily Story 313 - Maybe Still Trying Too Hard?

Different story with different characters that comes across as weak but still an enjoyable read.

Daily Story 312 - Definitely Trying Too Hard

Horrible excuse for a continuation of the series.

Daily Story 311 - Really Trying Too Hard

Disappointing sequel.

Daily Story 310 - Trying Too Hard

Dramatic Opening Paragraph. Funny and intriguing character introduction. Subtle yet informative exposition. Well-paced plot development. Gripping storyline. Shocking twist. Clever buildup. Emotional roller coaster of a climax.

Satisfying ending.

Daily Story 309 - What the Fizzle

There was a dog and it ate things but the pizza it ate made it sick so it threw up and then there was a cat who was all "eww gross you puked all over the floor" and the dog was like "I didn't puke I made food" and the cat was like "whatever I'm outta here" and then the dog ate its own puke and this is why dogs are gross.

Friday, September 16, 2011

Daily Story 308 - Depressing Realization

I just denied myself a cookie. :(

Daily Story 307 - Yellow Leaves

Usually leaves are green. In the fall, however, they turn yellow. Sometimes they turn orange or red.

Eventually they fall off and die.

Daily Story 306 - Statements

I have a dog. I have a ladder. Skies are plural, but a sky is singular. My dog is sleeping. My dog eats food. I eat food. Strangers in the night exchange glances. Ponies are weird.

Daily Story 305 - Answers

A dog is a thing that goes woof. They come from other dogs. You are female because you have a vagina and two X-chromosomes. Blue and purple aren't very sneaky colors. Ponies are just weird like that. No.

Daily Story 304 - Questions

What is a dog? Where do dogs come from? Why am I female? Why are cats brown sometimes but never blue or purple unless they've had a bizarre accident or a run-in with a groomer or hair stylist? What's up with ponies? Can I have a cookie?

Daily Story 303 - Twitchy Twitchy Twitchy Twitch

Twitch Twitchy Twitchy Twitch. Twitch Twitch.

Monday, September 12, 2011

Daily Story 302 - Universe Duck

Somewhere in space, there is a duck made of universes. It is a very large duck indeed.

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

Daily Story 301 - Weerstandsvermogen

I have no stamina. I get out of breath pathetically easily. And yet, when I was in middle school, I thought it would be a good idea to join the cross-country team. At least it didn't involve hand-eye (or hand-foot) coordination. Most of the time.

Daily Story 300 - Belachelijk

"I want to invade your country," said the angry man.

"That's just ridiculous!" said the even angrier man.

"Nevertheless, I shall invade your country. Beware my wrath!" said the angry man.

The angrier man punched the angry man in the face. "Never!"

"Did you just punch me in the face?" the angry man asked angrily. "This is madness!"

"No, it's not. You're trying to invade my country and I don't want you to, so I think punching you in the face is a completely reasonable response to your demands," said the angrier man.

"Fair enough," said the angry man. Then the angrier man kicked him into a pit. Upon seeing this, the angry man's army decided they had better things to do and they wandered off to go have tea and crumpets.

Daily Story 299 - Koningin

I am a queen. I don't know of what, but I am definitely a queen.

Daily Story 298 - Papier

There are vast stores of paper in my room. Some of it I use, while some of it stays where it is and has nothing to do. I imagine the paper gets drunk and comes up with intricate dance routines to its favorite pop music, but never shows off these dances because it's too embarrassed.
Or maybe that's Kyle. I can't remember.

Daily Story 297 - Voorstel

So I guess most musicals start with a musical number that introduces the musical with music. Redundant redundancy is redundant.

Daily Story 296 - Gekheid

OGNS nfso sgl se erljg slkg kvbm .kdrs gjlksgj f; og boot fiddlesticks togdnl adif lasf jaelng s,fn ,mdfn ae, akjf aifjadkfjslf jwioj ;isjof ssweeeee tweeeee fweeeeee pweeeee nweeeee mweeeee qweeeee rweeeee lweeeee zweeeee vweeeeee bweeeeee kweeeee hweeeee gweeeee dweeeeee xweeeeeee a;ngbfs ;iag;os fgjoaijg al toilet.

Daily Story 295 - Meeldauw

Showering Shawn liked to stay clean. However, he had a great dislike for unclean showers, and he refused to go near them until someone had cleaned them. All his problems were solved one day when a great genius discovered a way to keep Showering Shawn's favorite shower free of mildew forever. This caused many people to want to use this magical shower, which allowed Showering Shawn to have other people clean his shower of other gross things for the rest of his life.

Daily Story 294 - Kalksteen

Freddy, the great warrior of The United Lands of Frederica, was on a mission. He had to find the limestone monument to his father, Franky the Frank, and recover the secret gemstone before the evil Juggernauts of Juicy Fruit took over the Cheesecake Mines of Southern Floridania. The only problem was, Freddy had no idea what limestone looked like.

Daily Story 293 - Vriendelijkheid

Li'l baby Harry Potter stopped Voldemort with the power of his mother's love. Voldy ought to have responded by killing the kid with kindness. Sure, it probably wouldn't have gotten him anywhere, but at least it would have been an interesting twist.

Daily Story 292 - Januari

It's like a cool kid's way of spelling January. I love Flemish sometimes.

Daily Story 291 - Onrijp

Two little girls were walking through the woods. One picked an apple off a golden apple tree. The other picked a pear off a purple pear tree. Both girls made fun of the other's choice in a very immature fashion, with lots of name-calling and farting noises. Neither of the fruits were ripe, however, and the girls were forced to accept that they hadn't chosen a good day to pick fruits off of strangely-colored fruit trees.

Daily Story 290 - Lichtbruin

My eyes are hazel. The eyes of my siblings are all blue. Go me.

Daily Story 289 - Goddelijk

I am not very much like a God. If I had super awesome powers then I would be a bit more like a God.
There was once a man who was very much like a God. He did stuff that made people go all "holy carp this dude's awesome" but other people were like "man what is up with this loser" and stuff happened and it was cool. This man is known to us as Batman. I mean Jesus.
My inner Catholic is cringing now.

Daily Story 288 - Vuur

My older brother used to be a bit of a pyromaniac. There was a time when I was young, and I went down to the first floor of our old duplex to see what my brother was up to, and he was playing with incense. Another time, or perhaps the same time, he set off the fire alarm in our house. My mother also seems to recall an incident where my brother and his cousin started a fire beneath the balcony where my mother and aunt were enjoying the evening.

Daily Story 287 - Verklaren

There was once a confused child. Then some kind adult explained the thing that confused the child so much. The child was no longer confused. For now...

Daily Story 286 - Hond

Once upon a time, there was a dog named Juno. She came to be adopted by a loving family that taught her how to hold in her poop until she was outside of the town limits. She made life simple for the family because she liked to do her business in the privacy of the bushes. She also had a strange habit of sleeping on her back with her legs resting against a wall or the side of a couch or bed.

Daily Story 285 - Bijzonderheid

I like to eat cookies sometimes. Other times, though, I don't like to eat cookies. It depends on the circumstances.

Daily Story 284 - Feestmaal

So many hungry people were eating at the banquet. There was one guy who wasn't all that hungry, though. He felt sick after eating so much food.

Sunday, August 21, 2011

Daily Story 283 - Abnormaal

Some things are normal. Some things are not. Some things are in a lovely grey area that makes it difficult to determine whether they are normal or abnormal. Life is funny like that.

Daily Story 282 - Zinnelijk

The little girl had a problem with her senses. All of her senses were extra-sensitive, which was frustrating whenever she was injured or stuck in a room full of poo. Luckily, she learned to avoid injuries and poo-filled rooms, so her life was pretty good, especially when she discovered scented candles and... well, some of the items available at adult stores.

Daily Story 281 - Yamswortel

Yams are weird. Seriously, who likes yams, anyway?

Daily Story 280 - X-benen

Some people have strange legs. I don't. My legs seem to be pretty normal.

Daily Story 279 - Wauwelen

Two children were talking a lot. They were sitting in a bus that was mostly full of deaf people. The deaf people didn't seem to mind the constant chatter from the backseat where the children sat.

Daily Story 278 - Verhouding

The kingdom had far too many jelly beans. The neighboring kingdom had a constant shortage. Both kingdoms felt like there was something wrong when the ratio of jelly beans between two kingdoms was so incredibly one-sided.

Daily Story 277 - Uitdeling

The young princess was not a typical Disney Princess. As the king and queen were busy running the kingdom, she spent her time putting her mathematic skills to work as she helped them to decide how the tax money would be distributed amongst the wealth of worthy projects around the land. She also distributed jelly beans to underprivileged children. The kingdom had a surplus of jelly beans and there was not much else they could do with them, and receiving jelly beans from the princess did ever so much to brighten up an underprivileged child's day.

Daily Story 276 - Tuinbouw

I am not the best at taking care of plants. Sometimes I do well and the plants survive for a long time, but sometimes I forget they exist and they die.

Thursday, August 11, 2011

Daily Story 275 - Schaafsel

There was a woman who made wood carvings. She gave the shavings to her husband for the barbecue that night. It was a very tasty barbecue.

Daily Story 274 - Ruimte

Two small kittens were in a very small box. They did not have much room to move around. One of them had to pee. The other was not pleased with this. They were both given a bath later that day.

Daily Story 273 - Quadrant

At the Four Corners Monument in southwest America, there is a circle where Arizona, Colorado, New Mexico, and Utah are all touching. This circle is divided into quadrants, and one can be in all four quadrants at once if they so choose.

Daily Story 272 - Put

Some guy was walking around one day and he fell down into a hole.

Daily Story 271 - Onverstaanbaar

The dog where talk the whale to while in which the slip to flip to which and why no trip all snail with mask to live to ride where primp queen as told cold tree slide try sly my sod axe top red trap blue wrap tree toss quite like talk mine by ask pot or imp urn yet two rot ear way queer loot kiss just hot go flee door sway as might not be vat cry xyst zoo may to way ripe slight.

Saturday, August 6, 2011

Daily Story 270 - Nodiging

All the cool kids at school got invited to the big party at the pool on Saturday. I wasn't a cool kid, so I wasn't invited.

Friday, August 5, 2011

Daily Story 269 - Melasse

Molasses takes forever to run down a hill.

Daily Story 268 - Landbouwwerkzaamheden

The farm in the distant country was filled with hardworking people. These people liked to work together on the fields and they also liked to have activities relating to the wonderful world of agriculture.

Daily Story 267 - Kanariegeel

Jimmy had a parrot. The parrot's favorite color was canary yellow. The parrot was also having an identity crisis.

Daily Story 266 - Jammeren

Sad people wail sometimes. This shows that they are really sad and that they are probably going to need some form of comfort or support from someone around them. This is a very bad time to hit them with a jackhammer.

Daily Story 265 - Ingezetene

There was a house on a road in the far distant countryside. This has had two people living in it. The people liked to eat butter. And nothing else.

Daily Story 264 - Hanig

Some people are not very pleasant to be around. They are temperamental and not very nice. Avoid these people at all costs. They will track you down and cut out your heart with a rusty spoon. Trust me, it does not feel pleasant.

Daily Story 263 - Gastheer

Sometimes people have friends over. When somebody has a friend over, they are the host, and they are general expected to act in a way befitting a host. This is important because nobody likes a host that doesn't actually host things.

Daily Story 262 - Faam

That donkey was pretty famous, too.

Daily Story 261 - Ezeldrijver

The smart donkey, before it was shot, had a lot of important meetings it had to go to. The donkey would be driven to these meetings by a swell young lady named June. June liked the month of December because she thought it was ironic, and she liked to be trendy. She also crashed a lot. It wasn't her fault, though. It was all because of the owls.

Daily Story 260 - Drukkersknecht

There once was a printer who printed many things. He got tired of lifting things and doing all the hard work involved with printing, so one day he hired an assistant. The assistant liked to help him and do things that were printerrific. They had some good times together.

Daily Story 259 - Condensstreep

Sometimes water evaporates. Sometimes there are trails that people follow. Sometimes water vapor leaves a trail. I'm not really sure how that looks right now because I'm tired. I'm pretty sure it's scientific, though.

Daily Story 258 - Algemeenheid

Some things are unique to you. Some things are universal. If you are reading this, then that means you can read. Congratulations, you are educated and are either free of reading disabilities or have overcome said reading disabilities.

Daily Story 257 - Boevenpak

There was a man who murdered somebody. He went to prison and wore prison clothes while he was in prison, because that's what you do when you go to prison. Well, you do other stuff, too, but that's one of the things you do.

Saturday, July 23, 2011

Daily Story 256 - Yesterday's Story Translated For YouTube Commenters

Fuk u angry vlog is way beter tahn yolog Shaycarl is AWESOOEM!!!!!!!!!!!1!!1!1111!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Note: see P.S. on previous story for more details.

Daily Story 255 - Science is Awesome

(Main source for this one: An Introduction to Language, 9th Edition by Victoria Fromkin, Robert Rodman, and Nina Hyams. Similar information on phonetics can be found here or by doing a google search on either linguistics or phonetics.)

It is no question that the human capacity for language is astounding and complex. Much is still not understood about how we have been able to form such a sophisticated method of communication, and yet we still find ourselves in trivial debates over simple concepts, such as whether a word is spoken with one syllable or two. Why is this, you might ask? It is simply because some of us have nothing better to do. Take, for instance, the following argument. Now, it may be necessary to provide the reader with some scientific background so that they might better understand the point I am about to make. Thus, let us go into the field of linguistics for a quick look at the basics of phonetics.

Phonetics is the study of speech sounds, and each sound a person makes is formed by a specific place and manner of articulation - that is, each sound is formed based on both the position of the tongue, lips, and teeth within the mouth and the ways in which the flow of air from the lungs is altered or obstructed as it exits the body. To sum up these different places and manners, allow me to refer you to these lovely little charts, which contain the sounds found the English language (American English, to be specific).

Vowels:


Consonants:


Bilabial: lips together
Labiodental: upper teeth against bottom lip
Interdental: tongue between teeth or at lower back of upper teeth
Alveolar: involves tongue and alveolar ridge, which is the ridge just behind the upper front teeth
Palatal: front of the tongue against the palate (flat part at the top of your mouth)
Velar: back of the tongue to the soft palate/velum (behind the palate)
Glottal: down in the throat somewhere
Voiced/voiceless: indicates whether the vocal cords are used to produce the sound. When one is whispering, all sounds become voiceless.
Stop: airflow is completely blocked for a brief period of time before being let out
Nasal: air can exit through the nose
Fricative: airflow is obstructed in a way that causes friction
Affricate: sort of a mix between a stop and a fricative
Glide: slight obstruction of the airstream that is always directly followed by a vowel sound
Liquid: small obstruction that isn't enough to cause any real constriction or friction


Now, many words in the English language feature two or more consonant sounds right next to each other. These combinations tend to use sounds that are similar to each other, something that is known to linguists as assimilation. For instance, if a vowel appears before a nasal sound such as "n," the vowel itself will become nasalized. Also, if an "s" is added to the end of a word, whether it is voiced or voiceless is dependent on the voicing of the sound before it. "Cats" ends in a voiceless "s" sound, whereas "tubs" ends with a voiced "z" sound. Place of articulation also comes into play with assimilation, which is why we say "impossible" and "intolerant" but not "inpossible" or "imtolerant." There is also a tendency to omit sounds from a word. This can be a case of syncope - the deletion of a sound, most often an unstressed vowel, from a word ("camera" pronounced as "camra"), or it can be a case of haplology - the deletion of one of two identical or similar syllables that occur next to each other ("probably" pronounced as "probly").

So, with all this in mind, let us move on to the main point of my argument. First, we shall take a look at a few specific sounds: f, v, b, and p. All four of these are pronounced using the front of the mouth - b and p are bilabial, and f and v are labiodental. Both also feature a strong obstruction of the airway. Thus, it can be said that these four sounds are very similar. Not only that, but all four sounds can be combined with an "l" sound directly following - even "v," for while there are no examples of words beginning in "vl" in the English language, there are approximately two hundred words in Flemish, the language of Flanders in Belgium and as close a relative to Dutch as American English is to British English, that feature the "vl" beginning, including their own words for Flemish and Flanders (Vlaams and Vlaanderen, respectively). This comes as no surprise when you consider that "v" is only different from "f" in that "v" is voiced when "f" is not.

Finally, let us look at two separate words that are contrived from the relatively new term "blog." First, we have "vlog," a term that was popularized by Shaycarl. Second, we have "yolog," a term coined by AngryAussie. Now, if we look at these two words as being contrived from the term "blog," then it appears that "vlog" has more in common phonetically with "blog" than "yolog," as a voiced labiodental fricative is much closer on the chart to a voiced bilabial stop than a voiced palatal glide/vowel combination. When looked at separately, one might argue that a palatal glide is closer to a liquid consonant than a bilabial stop or a labiodental fricative, but let us not forget that a palatal glide must be followed by a vowel, which requires an additional syllable in order to be spoken. This does not occur with a bilabial stop or labiodental fricative, as both of these can be said directly before another consonant regardless of whether they are voiced or not. Therefore, from a strictly phonological viewpoint, the term "vlog" is, in fact, a one-syllable word and easier to say than "yolog."

Sorry, Andrew. I still think yolog's a cool term, but science has spoken. Vloggin's just easier.

P.S. despite disagreeing with him on this small matter, I am of the opinion that AngryAussie >>>>>>>>>> Shaycarl.

Daily Story 254 - Ughhhhhh shf sgfdetq 54yhtpwggbdfsg

Why is November 10 not here yet?

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Daily Story 253 - The

End.

Daily Story 252 - Friggin'

Time.

Daily Story 251 - All

The.

Daily Story 250 - Who

Barked.

Daily Story 249 - Two

Dogs.

Daily Story 248 - There

Were.

Daily Story 247 - A

Time.

Daily Story 246 - Once

Upon.

Daily Story 245 - I Started Writing This and Then I Got Bored and Forgot About It

The more I think about it, the more I come to realize that I fucking hate live theater.

Well, I don't hate it - it's fun to watch, and depending on the performance, it can be really fun to be up on the stage - but there are just too many aspects of it that rub me the wrong way.

Like auditions.

There's too much pressure.

If you fuck up once, you're screwed.

It's not very forgiving.

I'd rather be able to control what the audience sees. I like being able to edit my performance.

Blah blah blah performance anxiety.

Monday, July 11, 2011

Daily Story 244 - The Writer With ADD

Writers have to be creative. In fact, all entertainers have to be creative. How else would they be able to come up with so many new ideas and complex plots and all that stuff that makes people think "hey, this person's got talent" instead of "oh God oh God please no please stop I don't want to read about your sexy vampire fantasies anymore please no stop stop stop stop stop please I'll do anything just stop"? It's all about thinking in new and different ways and capturing that magic on paper. So, it stands to reason that people with ADD make good entertainers, since they're always looking at things in ways that other people don't, right?

Well, yes, but then you get to getting all those ideas and thoughts down on paper. Or film. Or... whatever. All those ideas come out and the magic begins to happen... but then the distractions come in. The person tries so desperately hard to make their ideas come to fruition, but they must constantly fight the distractions. It becomes a constant battle of "ooh, great idea, need to write it down real quick" "oh hey I haven't studied Flemish for a while" "GET BACK TO WORK YOU NEED TO WRITE THIS DOWN BEFORE YOU FORGET IT" "wait, did I eat lunch" "FOOD CAN WAIT GET BACK TO WORK" "oh my God the dog's doing something adorable" "GET BACK TO WOR- oh, never mind, that idea's gone anyway."

This was going to be a lot funnier but the idea I had in my head got disappeareded 'cause I was distracted by... writing this. What the hell.

Friday, July 8, 2011

Daily Story 241 - Dumb Ass

Jimmy's donkey may have been smart, but it was also lacking in proper social etiquette due to its upbringing as a simple donkey. When it found the cure for cancer, it demanded equal rights for donkeys, and when it found the solution to end world hunger, it demanded that all donkeys be the first to benefit from its solution. These are, of course, very noble things for a donkey to want for its donkey brethren, but this donkey simply went about it the wrong way. It put off the humans that it had worked with and gave donkeys everywhere a bad reputation that Jimmy and his donkey had to work very hard to correct.

Daily Story 240 - Smart Ass

Jimmy's donkey was very smart. Jimmy gave his donkey a lot of educational opportunities, and his donkey took advantage of them. After several years of going to top-notch universities and taking classes with the greatest minds of the time, Jimmy's donkey went on to cure cancer and end world hunger.

Daily Story 239 - Hot Ass

Jimmy's donkey had a fever. It was a very high fever and Jimmy was worried so he took his donkey to the vet. The donkey was indeed very ill, and the vet had to give him special medicine so that he could survive. Jimmy was very grateful to the vet when his donkey recovered. He donated $2,000 to the ASPCA in the vet's honor and everything was good.

Daily Story 238 - Don't Burn Your Donkey

It's not nice. Don't do it.

Daily Story 237 - Hot Stuff

Don't touch something that's hot or it will burn you. Jimmy Assburn tried this once, and... well, his once ridiculous surname is now a fitting description of his new, uh, distinctive physical features.

Don't be Jimmy Assburn, kids. Be careful with hot things.

Daily Story 236 - Dog

Wake up at 6:00 A.M. for walk.
Go for walk.
Eat breakfast.
Have treat.
Sleep in living room area.
Move to mother's office.
Sleep there.
Move to Diana's bathroom.
Sleep there.
Move to mother's office.
Sleep there.
Move to sun room.
Watch people do things.
Hear Dad come upstairs for lunch.
Follow Dad in case he wants to share.
Stay downstairs with Dad.
Sleep there.
Go back upstairs to bathroom.
Sleep there.
Go for afternoon walk.
Eat dinner.
Have treat.
Watch as the humans make dinner in case they want to share.
Follow humans to dining room table in case anyone wants to share.
Stay in living room.
Sleep there.
Get called for bedtime.
Go to Diana's room.
Sleep there.

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

Daily Story 235 - Ugh

It's hard to keep up this whole daily story thing. Most of the time when I want to write something I get distracted by light bulbs or something. I dunno. I'm tired.

Friday, July 1, 2011

Daily Story 233 - Water

Sometimes, as I fill up my water bottle, I stare at the water from the fountain and wonder if I've seen any of that particular water before. I wonder where it's been, and where it will go after it's passed through my system. I wonder if it's been to Africa, or some other foreign country- oh wait, Africa isn't a country. Never mind.

Daily Story 232 - Tomato

The tomato grew up on a farm. It was a quaint little farm, with all sorts of vegetables growing in a little vegetable patch by the barn. They were protected from the cows and the ducks and the other farm animals by a large fence, and the farmer's daughter would come in every day to make sure they weren't being eaten alive by ants and other bugs of that sort. Thus, the tomato grew to be very large and plump, and soon it was chosen by the farmer's daughter for a special feast.

The tomato was excited for this special feast, up until the moment when it was placed on the cutting board and sliced in half. Then the tomato was dead and unable to feel emotions. It was a delicious tomato, though.

Daily Story 231 - Dancing Cucumber

Nobody appreciates the grace and beauty of dancing cucumbers anymore. Those few brave souls who dance are often mocked and scorned by their fellow vegetables. It is a sad, sad day when a cucumber can't dance and be applauded, but it happens all the time nowadays.

Oh, Larry, I pity thee...

(I may or may not have been watching Veggie Tales as I wrote this...)

Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Daily Story 230 - Taco Friday

Friday was lonely. Friday decided to go to a restaurant and eat some tacos to distract her from the loneliness. She liked the tacos so much that she decided to come back to that restaurant and eat tacos there almost every day. Soon she became known at that restaurant as "Taco Lady," but once the staff realized her name was Friday, they decided to change her nickname to "Taco Friday," and they implemented a special on tacos that occurred every Friday. Friday would have been a lot happier about this if she had been able to eat at the restaurant on Fridays, but even though her job prevented her from doing so, she was still pretty happy about it.

Sunday, June 26, 2011

Daily Story 229 - Video Game Music

I love that stuff. Most people find it annoying that it's so repetitive, but I'm not most people. I'm just me.

Saturday, June 25, 2011

Daily Story 228 - The Sad Truth

I am allergic to everything. And by "everything" I mean dandelions. I really hate those fuckers.

Daily Story 227 - What Would You Do...

...For a Klondike Bar? Personally, I would go to a store and purchase one, or a box containing several, for a reasonable price that allows me to fulfill my ice cream bar needs without forcing me to go without other items that I need money to purchase.

If someone asked me to take a picture of them for a Klondike Bar, however, I would be more than happy to do so. Unless said picture had to be taken someplace that I would have to travel a long ways to get there, in which case there would have to be some other kind of incentive for me to travel with said person to take said picture for said Klondike Bar (that's what she said).

Friday, June 24, 2011

Daily Story 226 - Anger Management

Fuck you. Fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you. Fuck you fuck you fuck you.

Fuck you.

Daily Story 225 - The Toenail Clippers vs. the Tweezers

Toenail clippers are better for trimming toenails, whereas tweezers are better for plucking things.

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Daily Story 224 - Dolphin Statue

There were three dolphins one day, and they lived in happy harmony. They were so beautiful and harmonious together that somebody decided to take a picture and make a statue out of them. After that, though, one of the dolphins' egos inflated due to the sudden fame, and it drove the other two insane. They weren't quite so harmonious after that.

Daily Story 223 - Electricity People

Electricity does things. It makes things work and it makes robots take over the world. Electricity people take care of the electricity. They feed it and love it and bathe it while wearing rubber suits and make the electricity grow up to be happy and healthy. At least, that's what a good electricity person does. Sometimes there are bad electricity people who are mean or neglectful or stupid and they make the electricity grow up to be an angry, vengeful serial killer. When this happens, we call the angry, vengeful, serial killer electricity lightning.

Daily Story 222 - Blast From the Past 2

(Written in June of 1997, I think, when I was in second grade. I wrote this one on regular wide ruled paper so it's in regular paragraph form, but all spelling and punctuation is the same as in the original.)

The Hurricane

There was another universe. In that universe was a planet much like our own. That planet was ruled entirly by cats, dogs, and ducks. All of those animals were airplanes. One cat was orange and brown striped and had a twin brother. He was 9 years old. He had a younger brother named Clumsy. Clumsy was 7 years old. The twins names were Tiger and Oliver. One day there was a terrible hurricane. Everyone had to clear out of the universe. The three brothers Tiger, Oliver, and Clumsy and all of their friends* got on Tigers plane and moved to earth. Noone went to that universe again.

The End


*this line is hard to read because I apparently forgot to use an eraser, but it more or less says "all of their friends"

Daily Story 221 - Blast From the Past

(This was written in May of 1996 when I was in first grade. I've written it how it was written on the paper, including when I went to a new line since I enjoy being accurate.)

The Rescue

Once upon a time, there was
a kid alley cat. His name
is Omali. More often than eating
mice, he eats Mint Chocolate Chip ice cream.
One day a mean dog chased him
away. Omali ran as fast as he
could, BUT... a gang of alley
cats rescued him (His best friends)!

So, they went to the animal-
-hospital to get fixed. But he didn't
come back to life. It was too late. They
were sad.

Daily Story 220 - Midnight Organizing Spree

(Jamie returns...)

Clank.

"Mmm... Steven?"

"What?"

"Did you hear that?"

Clank.

"It's probably just one of the neighbors."

Clank.

"You do realize we have a small child in the house now, right?"

Silence for a moment, then, "Fine..."

Steven rolled out of bed and stumbled into the hallway, where he saw an unexpected sight in the dim light from the street outside. "Jamie, what are you doing out of bed?"

"I couldn't sleep," Jamie said.

"Okay, but why are you in the kitchen? And what are all these pots and pans doing everywhere?"

"Well... I heard you say the kitchen was messy, so I thought maybe I could make it nicer."

Steven looked at the boy for a moment. "Hang on, I'm going to get Jeffrey out here," he said before walking back into the bedroom.

"What's he up to?" Jeffrey asked.

"He's reorganizing the kitchen."

"What?"

"Well, you wanted a challenge. I think you got what you wished for."

Jeffrey groaned and pushed himself out of bed. Sure enough, when he arrived at the kitchen entry, there was Jamie, staring at the cupboard and moving dishes around. "Hey, Jamie."

Jamie looked up. "Hi."

"Steven said you were reorganizing the kitchen," Jeffrey said as he sat down on the floor next to the boy.

"Um, yeah."

"What made you decide to do that?" Jeffrey asked.

"Well... mom and dad said that kids have to help around the house to thank their parents for all the nice things they do, so I wanted to do something 'cause you've been really nice to me," Jamie said.

"Okay, so you decided to reorganize the kitchen for us?"

"Um, well, Steven said it was messy, so I'm trying to make it not messy," Jamie said.

"You know you don't have to do that for us, right? We like being nice to you because we like seeing you happy," Jeffrey said.

"But... I wanted to help."

"You want to help us around the house?" Jeffrey asked.

Jamie nodded.

"Okay, I think that sounds fair," Jeffrey said. "And I do appreciate you trying to organize the kitchen for us, but unfortunately, it's hard to do that quietly since all these pots and pans make a lot of noise when you move them around, so it's not really a good chore to do at nighttime, since it can wake people up."

"Oh. Sorry," Jamie said.

"It's okay. You were just trying to be nice, and I'm sure you didn't know it would be so noisy, right?"

Jamie shook his head. He looked just a little bit depressed now, which pulled hard at Jeffrey's heartstrings.

"Listen, since you want to help out around the house, I think it would be good to make up a list of chores for you to do tomorrow, so that you know exactly what you can do to help out around here. Does that sound good?"

Jamie nodded.

"Good. Now, let's get these dishes put back in the cupboards for now, and we can do a complete reorganizing tomorrow when everyone's awake. Is that okay?"

Jamie nodded again.

"All right. You ready to go back to bed now?"

"I'm not really sleepy," Jamie said.

"Then how about we cuddle up in the living room and read a book until you get sleepy?" Jeffrey asked.

"Do I have to sit in your lap?" Jamie asked.

"Not unless you want to."

"Okay."

Jeffrey smiled. Not only had he resolved the situation without making Jamie cry, but he'd have a good story for his sister when she came to visit...

Sunday, June 19, 2011

Daily Story 219 - New Life, Part 1

(New group of characters I've been thinking about for a while. Also trying to practice revealing backstory through subtle hints in the writing, so we'll see how this goes...)

"Jamie? It's time for dinner."

He looked up from his place on the couch. They always wanted him to eat with them at the table so he got up and walked over. He had to sit on a booster seat so he could reach the table, so Steven picked him up and sat him down on it. Jamie wished he wouldn't do that. He didn't like being grabbed by people very much. Once he was seated and Steven had pushed his chair in, Jamie looked down at the plate in front of him and almost smiled. Mac and cheese was his favorite...

"Did you want to say a prayer before we eat?" Jeffrey asked Steven. Jamie looked up at him. Jeffrey had a big smile on his face.

"Shut up, smart-ass," Steven replied. Jamie looked over at him. He looked kinda mad...

Jeffrey laughed. "Steven doesn't like saying prayers, Jamie, so we don't do that when we eat."

"It's stupid. What's the point of praying for your food when it's already there?" Steven asked.

"We don't pray at my house, either," Jamie said.

"Good, because this is a strict no-prayer zone," Steven said.

"Unless Steven's not here, then you can pray all you want if you feel like it," Jeffrey added.

Steven glared at him. "You trying to corrupt him or what?"

"If I wanted to corrupt him, I'd take him to a Christian day care," Jeffrey replied. "There's no need to get so riled up, Steven. I was just kidding."

"I'm not getting riled up," Steven growled. "I just don't want him to fall for that bullshit."

"And I don't want you to scare him when he's only been here three days," Jeffrey said. "Let's just try to have a pleasant evening, okay?"

"Hey, you're the one who brought it up in the first place."

Jamie couldn't stand it anymore. He didn't like it when grown-ups argued with each other. "Do you have to talk about this right now?" he asked.

Both grown-ups looked at him, and Jeffrey said, "Sorry, Jamie. We'll talk about something else now."

"Like how awesome tomorrow's going to be," Steven added. "You excited to go to Sea World, Jamie?"

"Um... yeah, I guess," Jamie said. "But my dad doesn't like me going on trips like that. He says they're stupid and expensive."

"Well, your dad's not in charge of you anymore, so we can take you on all kinds of trips," Jeffrey said.

"Besides, it's not like he's paying for it," Steven added.

"Who's paying for it, then?" Jamie asked.

"We are. In fact, we'll be paying for everything as long as you're with us," Jeffrey said.

"But... that's a lot of money, isn't it?" Jamie asked.

"Not for us," Jeffrey said. "Besides, we want to take you with us tomorrow. It'll be more fun for us that way."

"But I thought having a kid was just stupid and annoying," Jamie said.

"Did your dad tell you that?" Jeffrey asked.

Jamie nodded.

"Well, your dad is an idiot. Kids are awesome and fun, and you'd better not forget it," Steven said.

Jamie looked down at his plate. He guessed Steven didn't want him saying things like that anymore...

"So, Jamie, you want to watch a movie tonight?" Jeffrey asked.

"I don't know."

"I'll make popcorn," Jeffrey said.

"I don't like popcorn. It makes my poop all weird," Jamie said.

Both grown-ups laughed. Jamie felt embarrassed. Why had he said that?

"Oh, wow, that's... you've got a really good point there, actually," Jeffrey said.

"I think someone's going to grow up to be a good comedian," Steven remarked.

"Huh?" Jamie asked. He wasn't trying to be funny...

"He means the way you think is unique enough that you could be really good at telling jokes when you're older," Jeffrey said. "It'll make more sense when you're older, but right now all you need to know is that you're adorable and funny and we love you for it."

Jamie smiled just a little bit. Jeffrey and Steven were really nice. Maybe this wouldn't be so bad after all...

Thursday, June 16, 2011

Daily Story 218 - Meaningful Conversations

"Heyyyyy!"

"Heyyyyy!"

"Heyyyyy!"

"Heyyyyy!"

"Hi."

Silence.

"Heyyyyy!"

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Daily Story 217 - Giant Clock Song

Oh, what would you do with a giant clock?
Oh, what would you do with a giant clock?
I don't know what I'd do with a giant clock!
Oh, what would you do with a giant clock?

Let's ask Sam! Sam, my man,
Do you know what to do with a giant clock?
No, says Sam, ask my friend Dan,
He'll know what to do with a giant clock!

Oh, what would you do with a giant clock?
Oh, what would you do with a giant clock?
Sam don't know what he'd do with a giant clock!
Oh, what would you do with a giant clock?

Hey, there, Dan! I'd like to ask,
Do you know what to do with a giant clock?
Dan says, man, that's no easy task,
You've got to find someone with a giant block!

Oh, what would you do with a giant clock?
Oh, what would you do with a giant clock?
Dan says to find someone with a giant block!
Oh, what would you do with a giant clock?

Hey, Mr. Blockhead, what do you know?
Do you know what to do with a giant clock?
Give it here, says Blockhead, my block needs it to grow,
I can't tell when to feed it without a giant clock!

Oh, what would you do with a giant clock?
Oh, what would you do with a giant clock?
Give it to someone who needs a giant clock!
And that's what you do with a giant clock!

Daily Story 216 - Sneezy McSneezypants

Once upon a time, a writer named Junodog lived in a magical land known as Crested Butte, Colorado. There were many weeds in this magical land, and Junodog happened to have mild allergies to these weeds. And so, she spent all morning sneezing and marveling at the amount of clear snot that was coming out of her nose. There also happened to be some blood, as Junodog's body had apparently not completely adjusted to the altitude and her nose tended to bleed at times.

Daily Story 215 - Tricky Trainers

Susie's trainers were not very happy at all. They were stuck covering her feet day after day after day at the stinky, noisy gym that reeked of sweat and always blasted loud 80s workout montage music. And so, one day, the trainers jumped from Susie's bag and took the train to London Heathrow Airport in order to sneak aboard a plane and fly to a better life. However, something strange happened on board that plane. For you see, these trainers had not realized that the language in America, the plane's final destination, would not define trainers as the shoes that they were and always had been. Instead, the trainers found themselves morphing into the American definition of trainers, and so, when they arrived in America, they found themselves in human form, with bulging muscles and handsome smiles, and they knew all there was to know about training one's body in a gym. It was easy for them to find work in America, and they rejoiced in their new lives as American Trainers.

Monday, June 13, 2011

Daily Story 214 - The Loading

It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited.

It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited.

It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited.

It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited.

It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited.

It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited.

It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited.

It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited.

It waited.

Daily Story 213 - Youtube Logic

A man and a woman are seen in videos together multiple times on one channel. Therefore, they are either married or dating.

A significant other is never seen on said Youtube channel. Therefore, the significant other has left.

Someone acts a certain way in a vlog. Therefore, they act that way ALL THE TIME.

A person comments on possibly controversial personal beliefs in a vlog. Therefore, THAT PERSON IS HORRIBLE and it is necessary to unsubscribe immediately.

A person makes a questionable decision in a vlog. Therefore, that person is retarded* and it is necessary to unsubscribe immediately.

A person insults their audience in a momentary fit of anger. Therefore, UNSUBSCRIBE ALREADY.

A person insults the person in the video. Therefore, that person is a horrible, ignorant monster and it is necessary to reply and show them the error of their ways. This will always work and if the monster tries to retaliate, it only means they need to be shown the error of their ways again.

A person makes one video that is not to the taste of a viewer. Therefore, it is necessary to complain and demand that the person stops making such awful videos. If the person continues to make such videos, it becomes necessary to unsubscribe.

These simple rules will help you to become a successful commenter and will never backfire on you in any way. Good luck.



*Author's note: while I try to avoid using this word in this sort of context, in this case it is necessary in order to accurately convey the logic of youtube commenters.