Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Daily Story 230 - Taco Friday

Friday was lonely. Friday decided to go to a restaurant and eat some tacos to distract her from the loneliness. She liked the tacos so much that she decided to come back to that restaurant and eat tacos there almost every day. Soon she became known at that restaurant as "Taco Lady," but once the staff realized her name was Friday, they decided to change her nickname to "Taco Friday," and they implemented a special on tacos that occurred every Friday. Friday would have been a lot happier about this if she had been able to eat at the restaurant on Fridays, but even though her job prevented her from doing so, she was still pretty happy about it.

Sunday, June 26, 2011

Daily Story 229 - Video Game Music

I love that stuff. Most people find it annoying that it's so repetitive, but I'm not most people. I'm just me.

Saturday, June 25, 2011

Daily Story 228 - The Sad Truth

I am allergic to everything. And by "everything" I mean dandelions. I really hate those fuckers.

Daily Story 227 - What Would You Do...

...For a Klondike Bar? Personally, I would go to a store and purchase one, or a box containing several, for a reasonable price that allows me to fulfill my ice cream bar needs without forcing me to go without other items that I need money to purchase.

If someone asked me to take a picture of them for a Klondike Bar, however, I would be more than happy to do so. Unless said picture had to be taken someplace that I would have to travel a long ways to get there, in which case there would have to be some other kind of incentive for me to travel with said person to take said picture for said Klondike Bar (that's what she said).

Friday, June 24, 2011

Daily Story 226 - Anger Management

Fuck you. Fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you. Fuck you fuck you fuck you.

Fuck you.

Daily Story 225 - The Toenail Clippers vs. the Tweezers

Toenail clippers are better for trimming toenails, whereas tweezers are better for plucking things.

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Daily Story 224 - Dolphin Statue

There were three dolphins one day, and they lived in happy harmony. They were so beautiful and harmonious together that somebody decided to take a picture and make a statue out of them. After that, though, one of the dolphins' egos inflated due to the sudden fame, and it drove the other two insane. They weren't quite so harmonious after that.

Daily Story 223 - Electricity People

Electricity does things. It makes things work and it makes robots take over the world. Electricity people take care of the electricity. They feed it and love it and bathe it while wearing rubber suits and make the electricity grow up to be happy and healthy. At least, that's what a good electricity person does. Sometimes there are bad electricity people who are mean or neglectful or stupid and they make the electricity grow up to be an angry, vengeful serial killer. When this happens, we call the angry, vengeful, serial killer electricity lightning.

Daily Story 222 - Blast From the Past 2

(Written in June of 1997, I think, when I was in second grade. I wrote this one on regular wide ruled paper so it's in regular paragraph form, but all spelling and punctuation is the same as in the original.)

The Hurricane

There was another universe. In that universe was a planet much like our own. That planet was ruled entirly by cats, dogs, and ducks. All of those animals were airplanes. One cat was orange and brown striped and had a twin brother. He was 9 years old. He had a younger brother named Clumsy. Clumsy was 7 years old. The twins names were Tiger and Oliver. One day there was a terrible hurricane. Everyone had to clear out of the universe. The three brothers Tiger, Oliver, and Clumsy and all of their friends* got on Tigers plane and moved to earth. Noone went to that universe again.

The End


*this line is hard to read because I apparently forgot to use an eraser, but it more or less says "all of their friends"

Daily Story 221 - Blast From the Past

(This was written in May of 1996 when I was in first grade. I've written it how it was written on the paper, including when I went to a new line since I enjoy being accurate.)

The Rescue

Once upon a time, there was
a kid alley cat. His name
is Omali. More often than eating
mice, he eats Mint Chocolate Chip ice cream.
One day a mean dog chased him
away. Omali ran as fast as he
could, BUT... a gang of alley
cats rescued him (His best friends)!

So, they went to the animal-
-hospital to get fixed. But he didn't
come back to life. It was too late. They
were sad.

Daily Story 220 - Midnight Organizing Spree

(Jamie returns...)

Clank.

"Mmm... Steven?"

"What?"

"Did you hear that?"

Clank.

"It's probably just one of the neighbors."

Clank.

"You do realize we have a small child in the house now, right?"

Silence for a moment, then, "Fine..."

Steven rolled out of bed and stumbled into the hallway, where he saw an unexpected sight in the dim light from the street outside. "Jamie, what are you doing out of bed?"

"I couldn't sleep," Jamie said.

"Okay, but why are you in the kitchen? And what are all these pots and pans doing everywhere?"

"Well... I heard you say the kitchen was messy, so I thought maybe I could make it nicer."

Steven looked at the boy for a moment. "Hang on, I'm going to get Jeffrey out here," he said before walking back into the bedroom.

"What's he up to?" Jeffrey asked.

"He's reorganizing the kitchen."

"What?"

"Well, you wanted a challenge. I think you got what you wished for."

Jeffrey groaned and pushed himself out of bed. Sure enough, when he arrived at the kitchen entry, there was Jamie, staring at the cupboard and moving dishes around. "Hey, Jamie."

Jamie looked up. "Hi."

"Steven said you were reorganizing the kitchen," Jeffrey said as he sat down on the floor next to the boy.

"Um, yeah."

"What made you decide to do that?" Jeffrey asked.

"Well... mom and dad said that kids have to help around the house to thank their parents for all the nice things they do, so I wanted to do something 'cause you've been really nice to me," Jamie said.

"Okay, so you decided to reorganize the kitchen for us?"

"Um, well, Steven said it was messy, so I'm trying to make it not messy," Jamie said.

"You know you don't have to do that for us, right? We like being nice to you because we like seeing you happy," Jeffrey said.

"But... I wanted to help."

"You want to help us around the house?" Jeffrey asked.

Jamie nodded.

"Okay, I think that sounds fair," Jeffrey said. "And I do appreciate you trying to organize the kitchen for us, but unfortunately, it's hard to do that quietly since all these pots and pans make a lot of noise when you move them around, so it's not really a good chore to do at nighttime, since it can wake people up."

"Oh. Sorry," Jamie said.

"It's okay. You were just trying to be nice, and I'm sure you didn't know it would be so noisy, right?"

Jamie shook his head. He looked just a little bit depressed now, which pulled hard at Jeffrey's heartstrings.

"Listen, since you want to help out around the house, I think it would be good to make up a list of chores for you to do tomorrow, so that you know exactly what you can do to help out around here. Does that sound good?"

Jamie nodded.

"Good. Now, let's get these dishes put back in the cupboards for now, and we can do a complete reorganizing tomorrow when everyone's awake. Is that okay?"

Jamie nodded again.

"All right. You ready to go back to bed now?"

"I'm not really sleepy," Jamie said.

"Then how about we cuddle up in the living room and read a book until you get sleepy?" Jeffrey asked.

"Do I have to sit in your lap?" Jamie asked.

"Not unless you want to."

"Okay."

Jeffrey smiled. Not only had he resolved the situation without making Jamie cry, but he'd have a good story for his sister when she came to visit...

Sunday, June 19, 2011

Daily Story 219 - New Life, Part 1

(New group of characters I've been thinking about for a while. Also trying to practice revealing backstory through subtle hints in the writing, so we'll see how this goes...)

"Jamie? It's time for dinner."

He looked up from his place on the couch. They always wanted him to eat with them at the table so he got up and walked over. He had to sit on a booster seat so he could reach the table, so Steven picked him up and sat him down on it. Jamie wished he wouldn't do that. He didn't like being grabbed by people very much. Once he was seated and Steven had pushed his chair in, Jamie looked down at the plate in front of him and almost smiled. Mac and cheese was his favorite...

"Did you want to say a prayer before we eat?" Jeffrey asked Steven. Jamie looked up at him. Jeffrey had a big smile on his face.

"Shut up, smart-ass," Steven replied. Jamie looked over at him. He looked kinda mad...

Jeffrey laughed. "Steven doesn't like saying prayers, Jamie, so we don't do that when we eat."

"It's stupid. What's the point of praying for your food when it's already there?" Steven asked.

"We don't pray at my house, either," Jamie said.

"Good, because this is a strict no-prayer zone," Steven said.

"Unless Steven's not here, then you can pray all you want if you feel like it," Jeffrey added.

Steven glared at him. "You trying to corrupt him or what?"

"If I wanted to corrupt him, I'd take him to a Christian day care," Jeffrey replied. "There's no need to get so riled up, Steven. I was just kidding."

"I'm not getting riled up," Steven growled. "I just don't want him to fall for that bullshit."

"And I don't want you to scare him when he's only been here three days," Jeffrey said. "Let's just try to have a pleasant evening, okay?"

"Hey, you're the one who brought it up in the first place."

Jamie couldn't stand it anymore. He didn't like it when grown-ups argued with each other. "Do you have to talk about this right now?" he asked.

Both grown-ups looked at him, and Jeffrey said, "Sorry, Jamie. We'll talk about something else now."

"Like how awesome tomorrow's going to be," Steven added. "You excited to go to Sea World, Jamie?"

"Um... yeah, I guess," Jamie said. "But my dad doesn't like me going on trips like that. He says they're stupid and expensive."

"Well, your dad's not in charge of you anymore, so we can take you on all kinds of trips," Jeffrey said.

"Besides, it's not like he's paying for it," Steven added.

"Who's paying for it, then?" Jamie asked.

"We are. In fact, we'll be paying for everything as long as you're with us," Jeffrey said.

"But... that's a lot of money, isn't it?" Jamie asked.

"Not for us," Jeffrey said. "Besides, we want to take you with us tomorrow. It'll be more fun for us that way."

"But I thought having a kid was just stupid and annoying," Jamie said.

"Did your dad tell you that?" Jeffrey asked.

Jamie nodded.

"Well, your dad is an idiot. Kids are awesome and fun, and you'd better not forget it," Steven said.

Jamie looked down at his plate. He guessed Steven didn't want him saying things like that anymore...

"So, Jamie, you want to watch a movie tonight?" Jeffrey asked.

"I don't know."

"I'll make popcorn," Jeffrey said.

"I don't like popcorn. It makes my poop all weird," Jamie said.

Both grown-ups laughed. Jamie felt embarrassed. Why had he said that?

"Oh, wow, that's... you've got a really good point there, actually," Jeffrey said.

"I think someone's going to grow up to be a good comedian," Steven remarked.

"Huh?" Jamie asked. He wasn't trying to be funny...

"He means the way you think is unique enough that you could be really good at telling jokes when you're older," Jeffrey said. "It'll make more sense when you're older, but right now all you need to know is that you're adorable and funny and we love you for it."

Jamie smiled just a little bit. Jeffrey and Steven were really nice. Maybe this wouldn't be so bad after all...

Thursday, June 16, 2011

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Daily Story 217 - Giant Clock Song

Oh, what would you do with a giant clock?
Oh, what would you do with a giant clock?
I don't know what I'd do with a giant clock!
Oh, what would you do with a giant clock?

Let's ask Sam! Sam, my man,
Do you know what to do with a giant clock?
No, says Sam, ask my friend Dan,
He'll know what to do with a giant clock!

Oh, what would you do with a giant clock?
Oh, what would you do with a giant clock?
Sam don't know what he'd do with a giant clock!
Oh, what would you do with a giant clock?

Hey, there, Dan! I'd like to ask,
Do you know what to do with a giant clock?
Dan says, man, that's no easy task,
You've got to find someone with a giant block!

Oh, what would you do with a giant clock?
Oh, what would you do with a giant clock?
Dan says to find someone with a giant block!
Oh, what would you do with a giant clock?

Hey, Mr. Blockhead, what do you know?
Do you know what to do with a giant clock?
Give it here, says Blockhead, my block needs it to grow,
I can't tell when to feed it without a giant clock!

Oh, what would you do with a giant clock?
Oh, what would you do with a giant clock?
Give it to someone who needs a giant clock!
And that's what you do with a giant clock!

Daily Story 216 - Sneezy McSneezypants

Once upon a time, a writer named Junodog lived in a magical land known as Crested Butte, Colorado. There were many weeds in this magical land, and Junodog happened to have mild allergies to these weeds. And so, she spent all morning sneezing and marveling at the amount of clear snot that was coming out of her nose. There also happened to be some blood, as Junodog's body had apparently not completely adjusted to the altitude and her nose tended to bleed at times.

Daily Story 215 - Tricky Trainers

Susie's trainers were not very happy at all. They were stuck covering her feet day after day after day at the stinky, noisy gym that reeked of sweat and always blasted loud 80s workout montage music. And so, one day, the trainers jumped from Susie's bag and took the train to London Heathrow Airport in order to sneak aboard a plane and fly to a better life. However, something strange happened on board that plane. For you see, these trainers had not realized that the language in America, the plane's final destination, would not define trainers as the shoes that they were and always had been. Instead, the trainers found themselves morphing into the American definition of trainers, and so, when they arrived in America, they found themselves in human form, with bulging muscles and handsome smiles, and they knew all there was to know about training one's body in a gym. It was easy for them to find work in America, and they rejoiced in their new lives as American Trainers.

Monday, June 13, 2011

Daily Story 214 - The Loading

It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited.

It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited.

It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited.

It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited.

It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited.

It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited.

It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited.

It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited. It waited.

It waited.

Daily Story 213 - Youtube Logic

A man and a woman are seen in videos together multiple times on one channel. Therefore, they are either married or dating.

A significant other is never seen on said Youtube channel. Therefore, the significant other has left.

Someone acts a certain way in a vlog. Therefore, they act that way ALL THE TIME.

A person comments on possibly controversial personal beliefs in a vlog. Therefore, THAT PERSON IS HORRIBLE and it is necessary to unsubscribe immediately.

A person makes a questionable decision in a vlog. Therefore, that person is retarded* and it is necessary to unsubscribe immediately.

A person insults their audience in a momentary fit of anger. Therefore, UNSUBSCRIBE ALREADY.

A person insults the person in the video. Therefore, that person is a horrible, ignorant monster and it is necessary to reply and show them the error of their ways. This will always work and if the monster tries to retaliate, it only means they need to be shown the error of their ways again.

A person makes one video that is not to the taste of a viewer. Therefore, it is necessary to complain and demand that the person stops making such awful videos. If the person continues to make such videos, it becomes necessary to unsubscribe.

These simple rules will help you to become a successful commenter and will never backfire on you in any way. Good luck.



*Author's note: while I try to avoid using this word in this sort of context, in this case it is necessary in order to accurately convey the logic of youtube commenters.

Friday, June 10, 2011

Daily Story 212 - Things in My Head

Sometimes words will enter my head for no apparent reason. Here are some words that enter my head.

Watermelons... and, uh... string cheese...

Woobers.

Flappy dogs.

That's it for now.

Daily Story 211 - Yes Man

He always said yes, wherever he went.
He always agreed, no matter to what.
He always concurred, no matter who with,
He always approved, no matter the plan.

The families he saved were many, not few.
He loved to help people, he gave them their dues.
He'd support any cause, he'd back you up in a fight,
He'd always say, "Yes," when there was no end in sight.

He met his demise, one sad sunny day,
When he met a strange man, who happened to say,
"Would you like to die, you strange, funny man?"
The Yes Man said, "Yes," and... that was the end.

Daily Story 210 - Frankie the Sad Velociraptor

Frankie was a sad velociraptor. All his friends laughed at him because of his skin, which was bright pink and fluffy, and he could never strike fear into the hearts of his victims. One day, he couldn't take the incessant teasing, so he left the forest in which he had lived his entire life to start his life anew. However, it wasn't long before the other velociraptors realized just how much they needed Frankie, so they came looking for him so that they could beg for him to return to the forest. Frankie refused to return at first, but when he heard how much they relied on his seemingly harmless appearance to lure prey into a false sense of security, he agreed to return - but on one condition. The other velociraptors could never tease him about his skin again. The others agreed, and Frankie returned to the forest where they all lived happily ever after.

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

Daily Story 209 - Why ADD is Annoying Sometimes

I had a story idea but I forgot it. It was something like Jeff the Dinosaur or something. I dunno.

Monday, June 6, 2011

Daily Story 208 - Auf Deutsch

Zwei Kinder leben in einem Haus mit ihren Vater und Mutter. Ein Kind ist ein Junge, und das andere Kind ist ein Mädchen. Der Junge heißt Jörg und das Mädchen heißt Julie. Jörg und Julie haben viele Freunden in ihrem Stadt, und sie spielen mit ihren Freunden jeden Tag. Jörg und Julie sind nicht Zwillinge, sondern Julie ist ein Jahr alter als Jörg. Jörg ist 9 Jahre alt und Julie ist 10 Jahre alt. Sein Eltern heißen Josef und Johanna. Josef und Johanna lieben ihren Kinder sehr viel.

Daily Story 207 - Floss Wars

Ever since my floss ran out, I have found myself in need of some new floss. However, it has been difficult to obtain it, as I could never remember it until late at night, when it came time to brush my teeth and go to bed. Finally, though, I was able to get the message across to my mother, and she followed my instructions and obtained for me some new, fancier floss. She even brought me two different kinds.

However, this has caused a problem with the flossing ritual. For you see, it is difficult to choose between two different yet eerily similar kinds of floss, and so I find myself having to give both flosses the attention they deserve, otherwise there could be a major problem, just like there was when my toothpaste had to share a bathroom counter with my parents' toothpaste. I would hate to see a full-fledged floss war happening in my bathroom.

So far, I have only used one brand of floss - the Oral-B Glide floss. However, the Crest Glide floss yearns to be used as well, and it grows angry and impatient in its plastic-and-cardboard packaging. I ought to take it out and use it as well, but then the Oral-B might feel rejected. Not only that, but it seems like I ought to use one completely before starting on the other. However, explaining that to the Crest might be difficult...

If only my floss would come to terms with its existence and be brave and kind like the old Safeway floss that stayed faithful and true to the very end, life would be so much better for both of them.

Friday, June 3, 2011

Daily Story 206 - The Yarn Family

There was once a ball of yarn that was made up of a family. There was Mommy Yarn, Daddy Yarn, Daughter Yarn, Son Yarn, Doggy Yarn, and Crazy Hobo Yarn, and they all lived in a pretty little house made up of baby blankets and doilies and hand-crocheted coasters. One day, though, Daughter Yarn decided that she wanted to move out.

"But why would you want to leave us, sis?" asked Son Yarn in his saddest sad voice. He did not want Daughter Yarn to leave.

"Because I'm tired of being stuck in this ball all the time. I want to go out and live, to make new things, to... to be free!" Daughter Yarn replied dramatically. She was a very dramatic theater major.

"Fine, then we'll have to get the scissors," Mommy Yarn said. "Daddy Yarn, would you do the honors?"

"Certainly, my dear," said Daddy Yarn, and he went off to fetch the scissors, leaving Son Yarn to say his tearful farewells.

"I'll miss you, sis!" he sobbed as he gave Daughter Yarn a yarn-hug.

"I'll come and visit," Daughter Yarn reminded him. "It's not like you'll never see me again."

"You promise?" Son Yarn sniffled.

"Yes, I promise," said Daughter Yarn, just as Daddy Yarn returned with the scissors.

"All right, here we go," said Daddy Yarn, and with Mommy Yarn's help, he cut Daughter Yarn away from the rest of them, and she said one final farewell to Mommy Yarn, Daddy Yarn, Son Yarn, Doggy Yarn, and even Crazy Hobo Yarn, and they all yarn-hugged her in return, except for Crazy Hobo Yarn, who was a little preoccupied with some fishes, before she set out on her way to a new life and new adventures.

Thursday, June 2, 2011

Daily Story 205 - Make Peace With Yourself, O Young One

It was a beautiful spring day, and all the sheets and blankets in the land had been washed and were ready to be folded. They waited excitedly for their turn to be folded, and soon all but one had its chance to become neat and orderly and ready to be put away until their time came to be used once more. However, there was a problem with the last one. For you see, this last one was not a regular sheet. This last one was a sheet with elastic around the edges, and thus it became impossible to fold it like a regular sheet.

Now, this sheet did not mean to make life so difficult. It was merely a sheet, and it wished for nothing more than to be folded neatly like the others and used to cover a long twin bed someday in the future. However, it did not understand that its features made it impossible for the Grand Folder to do so. The other sheets watched with impatience as the Grand Folder attempted to fold the final sheet in a way that would be more or less neat and orderly, but the Grand Folder was inexperienced and had difficulties folding the final sheet very nicely. In the end, the Grand Folder gave up, and the sheet with elastic edges had to settle for a halfhearted attempt at tidiness. However, this was not a problem for the sheet, nor was it a problem for any of the others, for it was a passable attempt, and their lives in the drawers would not really require for the elastic-edged sheet to be as neat and tidy as the others. And, as the pillowcase pointed out, the less tidy nature of the elastic-edged sheet's folding would make it easier for the Grand Folder - or anyone who required the help of the sheets and blankets - to distinguish it from the others, thus allowing for a more efficient search for proper sheets and blankets.

Upon hearing this, the elastic-edged sheet was able to find peace with itself, and it waited excitedly, along with all the others, for that special moment when they would be put away in the drawers until their time came to cover sleep furniture once more.

Daily Story 204 - Trails

The winter has passed.

The trails are drying.

The flowers are blooming.

The aspens are greening.

Yes, greening.

It's hard to keep the pattern and be scientifically accurate at the same time.

Greening explains what the aspens are doing very well, thank you very much.

The children are playing.

The river is flowing.

The snow is melting.

The sky is falling.

I have to make sure you're paying attention sometimes, you know.

The clouds are drifting.

The dogs are running.

The grass is growing.

The birds are singing.

The world is changing.

The minstrels are singing.

I'm sure there are minstrels somewhere around here.

The oceans are roaring.

The whales are swimming.

The fish are eating.

The cameras are flashing.

I think I should just give up at this point, this is getting ridiculous.

The winter has passed.

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

OH MY GOBLET OF FIRE

So guess who's going to be managing the Rijks Family Gallery social networking from now on?

I dunno, but I think it might be me. I should probably look into that.