Piney the Pineapple was a very special pineapple indeed. She was brave and courageous, and she had big googly eyes glued onto her so that she could see. She appeared in strange places and appeared to always be staring at whoever happened to notice her. Most importantly, she was able to communicate through thought.
Piney wanted nothing more than to live a happy life, one that she could look back on and smile. Of course, since she had no mouth, it would be her eyes that smiled, which is entirely possible in a metaphorical sense. She wanted to find a man who would love her, one who would caress her prickly pineapple skin and whisper sweet nothings in her metaphorical ear. She wanted to go on grand adventures and sweet, simple dates in the park, to experience life and love and happiness in ways that only the truly lucky and blessed were able to experience it. Most importantly, however, she wanted to live this life with the man of her dreams.
Unfortunately, due to her unusual condition of being a sentient pineapple with googly eyes, Piney found it difficult to meet such a man. There were no such men in the world of pineapples and other fresh fruits, and other food groups were simply incompatible, so after a year or so of fruitless searching, she turned her gaze toward human men.
At first, her search met nothing but dead ends. Days turned to weeks, weeks turned to months, and one dark, rainy morning Piney realized she had been searching for nearly two years with very poor results. No decent man had been willing to believe that she was a sentient pineapple, and chose instead to check into the nearest mental institute. The few men who did believe her were cruel, abusive men who only wanted her to serve their selfish needs. Piney had never experienced such heartless abuse as she did before she left the last, and worst, of these men in the dead of night. She soon found herself wandering a nearby park, considering her options and wondering whether she should just call it quits. Even the weather seemed to be telling her to quit before she sank too far into despair.
However, just before she made her decision, she heard a voice. This was no normal voice - rather, to Piney it seemed to be the voice of an angel. She listened as she heard a man calling, "No, Fido, leave the pineapple alone!"
Fido was a small dog, though he appeared to be gigantic in Piney's eyes. Fido stopped short of Piney and stared at her with desire in his big, brown eyes, while a man ran up behind him and knelt down to pick Piney up off the ground.
Thank you, good sir, for stopping your dog, Piney said to the man.
The man stared down at Piney in confusion. "What the hell?"
I am Piney, a sentient pineapple. I know not how I came into being, but I am searching for a man who will share his life with me, Piney said. Would you be that man?
"Um... sure? Wait a minute, is this some kind of hidden camera show?"
Not at all, Piney said. I am simply a lonely pineapple in need of a friend.
"Well... Okay, I guess it'd be nice to have someone at home besides Fido," the man said.
Oh, thank you, Piney said, and the man carried her home with Fido at his heels. It is unclear why this kind man was so accepting of Piney's unusual nature, but one might argue that it is in the very nature of true love that one might easily overlook these slight differences of shape. And thus, Piney the Pineapple found true happiness for the first time in her life.
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