(This was written after I read Sherman Alexie's poem "How to Write the Great American Indian Novel." I think it's just about perfect, don't you?)
Once upon a time there was a beautiful Indian Princess Lady named Prettyful Rivertree-Horsehoovesgallopfastontheprairie. She was pretty and she had long, dark hair and pretty brown eyes and pretty dark skin and she was like a mountain of pretty dewy grass blowing in the wind while clear water splashed everywhere down into the fertile grass of brown hill prettyness (in other words, she was hot). She was really pretty and all the men loved her because she was so pretty and she was an Indian with a horse that followed her around and said "neigh" whenever appropriate. The horse knew when to say "neigh" because he was a smart horse and Princess Prettyful Rivertree-Horsehoovesgallopfastontheprairie was so beautiful that she had a connection with all animals and all horses everywhere always knew what she needed them to do because Princess Prettyful Rivertree-Horsehoovesgallopfastontheprairie had that special power and she was awesome.
One day she went out to the forest of happiness and met a very handsome man. His name was Joe Beard. He had a beard and he was an Indian but he was also a White person and he was very sexy and he wore jeans and a t-shirt because that's what White Indian men wear. He also cried a lot because his life was so tragic and he was very sad because his horse had died and he was from a tribe that loved horses a lot so he was really sad about his horse. They fell in love with each other instantly and they kissed and were happy even though their lives were so tragically tragic. They had an Indian baby named Winter Flower because she was born in the winter and Princess Prettyful Rivertree-Horsehoovesgallopfastontheprairie loved pretty flowers and then they had a white baby with pretty blonde hair and pretty blue eyes and they named him Schmoogalof because Princess Prettyful Rivertree-Horsehoovesgallopfastontheprairie was too exhausted to speak after giving birth to him and Prince Joe Beard was drunk because he was an Indian and Indians drink a lot.
One day, when Schmoogalof was seven and Winter Flower was eight and they were frolicking gaily in the fields together because they were bestest friends even though Winter Flower was an Indian and Schmoogalof was white because they were gifted with the magical ability to see beyond skin color and they were wonderful, perfect children who loved everybody and were never mean because being mean wasn't something that you do when your mom is a princess, also Schmoogalof wasn't really white because he had an Indian inside him that was really cool and he was a warrior and he was so cool because he was an Indian warrior and he did cool dances and shot stuff with arrows and all that stuff that's really cool because it's Indian warrior stuff, something incredibly tragic happened to Princess Prettyful Rivertree-Horsehoovesgallopfastontheprairie. Some evil people came up and tried to rape Princess Prettyful Rivertree-Horsehoovesgallopfastontheprairie and she was really sad because she didn't like being raped and so it was really tragic. Then she had a vision that her children would be next so she mounted her horse (tee hee, mounted) and her horse galloped across the fields while Princess Prettyful Rivertree-Horsehoovesgallopfastontheprairie had a vision of the future that told her that her children would grow up to save the universe but in a very tragic way because of the sacrifice she would have to make to save them. She arrived just before the evil people and saved her children by throwing herself in front of them before the evil people shot their evil guns of evilness. Her children cried because Princess Prettyful Rivertree-Horsehoovesgallopfastontheprairie had been murdered and they were sad. The evil people laughed maniacally and kidnapped the children and did bad things to them because that is what evil people do. When Prince Joe Beard heard this horrible news, he killed himself because he was very sad.
Then Winter Flower and Schmoogalof escaped the evil people after Princess Prettyful Rivertree-Horsehoovesgallopfastontheprairie and Joe Beard appeared to them in a vision of epic proportions and told them how to escape and where to go and what to do and all that stuff, and when Schmoogalof and Winter Flower were safe and living tragic lives in a safe place with other Indians who had tragic lives because they were Indians and people were mean to them, Schmoogalof and Winter Flower forgave the evil people of their sins and everything was happy except for all the tragic stuff. Which was tragic.
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